Observation 202

Recently I have been holding a feeling of dread. My mind has been focused on my health. It’s odd for me because really I feel great. Aside from occasional heart burn brought on by just being older I my mind has been scared. Perhaps seeing my sibling in the hospital, my mother being sick and likely cause I reduced the sugar in my life by more than 50%. Things are changing in my mind.

I set up an appointment for a check up on the 10th cause that was the soonest I could get. I am sure everything is fine but something in my mind is telling me to worry. It’s really my nature to do so. I worry about everything but really I was reading about how people whom drop sugar tend to go into this odd withdrawal. It makes your moods change dramatically. I think that has a big part to do with it.

On the plus side I am working out more and I do physically feel soooo much better now. I feel strong and capable. Just these moods suck. Working at night it does take its toll on everything I do. Chemicals in the brain react differently and rest while I know I don’t do it very well I found becomes welcome when I can. I am at the point in my life that I need to go for yearly check ups. It’s how aging works.

Advanced technology can be useful for age. I can think of a number of people whom wouldn’t be here right now if not for the 2020 state of things.i keep in mind that some day it will be 2040 and how far we will come I am sure it will be unthinkable to me. Yet the obstacles are still around me.

Political plays on the price of life and death. I have hope that the right people will be loud and logical about the whys.

Observation 201

I have this strange thing I do and I only recently started to think about it but it involves moving stuff around my home. I don’t believe in Feng Shui or anything like that but it’s something I have been doing since forever ago. I might be from having siblings and sharing rooms with them. It might be just because I find it relaxing to organize stuff “I know I am weird”. Yet it is something that I often find myself doing.

Now I have lived on my own in 3 different homes “Not Counting the Girlfriends”. With each home I have had I set things up in such a way that it’s easy to plan stuff out. Living Room, Kitchen, Bathroom and Bed Room are really a basic thing people just naturally do. However the set up of those things are the beginning of the year is a funny thing I tend to change normally 2 or 3 times a year.

I am also a big collector of just random Nerdy things. Comic Books, Funko Pops, Action Figures, Anything related to Mortal Kombat, Movies and Music of course. So in adding things and subtracting things I tend to find organizing is kinda a benefit to my personality in that I know exactly where everything is or at least I have an idea.

I have known people who can walk into a place, Throw clothing on the floor and throw themselves also on a bed or love seat. That stuff will stay in the place it is at for days. Said people will never be bothered by it until they have to gather it all to have it be cleaned “Just as a personal note it’s no one I currently know”. I always found it interesting to see that because you could ask the same person how do you find anything and that person will know exactly the place the stuff was thrown.

Now I think it has something to do with how the brain organizes thoughts. I think if you mix those types of people “Yes they drive each other crazy”.. But you also come into the position that the chaos can create a very cool conversation for how it’s organized. Like think about how any person can start a conversation.

Me: Hello.. How are you?

Person 1: I am good just thinking about Food…

Me: What kinda food?

Person 1: Something with Toast.. Oh hey did you see the game last night?


See how it could have stayed on topic but instead it goes from one topic to another thus keeping the conversation going about random things yet also opening doors to go in and out of.

I am finding that at the start of the year things have a habit of starting up and shutting down ideas and goals to come.

Observation 200

As an Observer of everything around me I have come to understand that to move forward sometimes you need to reflect and Move back. So as this is post 200 I would like to move really far back to 1983.


This was the first place I can remember. Everything was so much bigger but to be fair I was so much smaller also. It was the first place I ever lived and from what I can remember it was great. I have great parents and great siblings and while I don’t write much about my personal life on here I do often think about who I am and why I am the way I am. A big part of that comes from the people whom raised me. Who taught me right from wrong. Who taught me how to deal with the ups and the downs. It all started in this building so I wanted to see some 37 years later if I could find it again. This picture is proof that I could find it.

While the area isn’t even close to what I remember it being the building still stands and I am happy to see at least that much hasn’t changed. I am sure other families are being raised in this building like mine with the idea of having a great life. I am sure it’s still a comfortable place to live. Yet I wonder what type of lifestyle a person NOW must hold up to maintain such a place to live. I know it took hard work and a sense of direction to make it work. I just wonder how much that has changed in all these years?


This building was once a Public Library. I remember borrowing books on Elementary School projects. One specific book I remember borrowing was a book on drugs and poisons. It had a skull on the cover and I recall it scaring me to the point that I knew I was never going to ever take anything that a doctor or my mother didn’t give me that was a remotely drug related. It’s strange because I didn’t remember any of this until I saw that building again and the library being missing. Funny how things stick with you even 37 years later.


This was another very important place because this would be first place I ever played an Arcade game or bought a Piece of Chocolate. It was called Tommys. Lots of good memories come to mind about that place and it being the first convince store I ever really had any interest in going too I find it even more interesting that I remember anything about it at all.


Ditmas Ave was the first building block in my life. The introduction to my Family values and friendships came from such a small area in Brooklyn, New York and I don’t think I would be the person I am today without it. So let’s move forward some years and find another place in Brooklyn..


This is Avenue P which would be my 5th home but the one I would spend until recently the most time in my life in. Again with my parents and my siblings this would also be the last home that we all lived together in. I went thru my teenage years which constructively would be much of my personality in this part of my life. I learned a great deal in this home having Finished the 5th grade here.. All of JR High which was 6th – 8th Grade and part of High School here.


This was home and it was safe. We all spent many years in the back of this building Barbecuing, Celebrating Birthdays, I stored my Bike that my brother purchased for me in the back. I learned how to use my first computer here. First real girlfriend.. come to think of it.. First of many things happened to me in this home and while I reflect on it now I think it was very important that it all happen here.

Why? Cause this area was diverse. I learned that people are who they are here because of experience and because walking a block in any direction could bring you to a place so different from the next that it was important and yet unnoticed that we all have the same problems. Most of us no matter what religion or color or age are really just trying to get by. We all do things different and I think Brooklyn at the time while a melting pot of culture it also raised a particular type of person who thought the entire world was like that. Which coming up now at almost 38 years old I have learned that it’s not true. The world is much bigger but it’s also very very divided depending on the location.

My heart will always be in Brooklyn because of how anyone who worked hard and tried there best could come home and not think about any of those things. It was a question of taste and feeling… even in something as basic as a question like what do I want to eat.. ? Pizza?…Chines?.. Spanish?.. the list goes on and on.. and it worked for everything you could think of. The friends I had going to school were diverse. I had all types of cultures to learn from. Backgrounds of religion and so many different points of view to learn from. A was more of a question of comfort.


This was the first job I ever had. It was at the time a smoke shop and my mother got me the job. I was told to go and sweep, organize some shelves, doing some dusting, and stock some sodas. Pretty simple stuff and really I find it kinda funny how I am still doing the same job. At the time I didn’t have direction. Come to think of it even now I don’t have direction but I was comfortable with it then. SAME as I am now. I have grown and while that shop is no longer in business. I believe that everything does happen for a reason and that it’s time and place has set it’s purpose for me.


While not my home this was a place I spent a great deal of time at. My best friend whom my brother introduced me too lived in this building. In this place I would come to learn to love many of the strange things I do now from Horror films, to the type of music I listen to now. I have very fond memories of spending weekends at this place just being silly and myself. I learned how to keep an open eye on everything. To observe and always be aware of what others had in mind to do. I spent a great deal of time with my best friend just talking about everything. Building my own philosophy on life. It was important and it had to happen here.


Last stop on this trip is One of the happiest place I have ever been. I can’t explain the joy I got from seeing this building. I can’t express the smell, the feeling of the air, the sound and cold of it. It was Toys R Us.. sadly it’s gone. Yet even walking to this very location I came to a place that had nothing but great memories for me. It was family time for my father, Mother, Sister and Brother to gather at this place and know that a good time was going to be had. It wasn’t so much the purchasing of the toys as much as it was the thrill of getting into the car together. It was a feeling of wonder as to what we would find.

Some of the time we knew what we were looking for. Yet the younger me that was often didn’t. I just knew I wanted to go to see the building with the rainbow colored walls. The automatic doors and the feeling that everyone was happy to be in that place. Something good was in the air and it held that feeling still to this day. It was the experience that made it important not so much the why. We always went to this place when things were good. When we had it all or at least.. that’s what it felt like.

Observation 199

Every path goes someplace different in life. As an individual we choose too take steps in both the educated and predictable position or the more risky impulsive way. As someone who thinks far too much I can say I put that first one into play all too often.

We need to make discussions about what we are doing and how we can get to it. The biggest problem is we don’t often focus on the now. Are we yelling? Stressed over things we can’t currently change? What time is it? How do I physically feel? Is it causing a physical thought on what’s going to happen and what has happened?…

Muscles tense up and emotions can become overwhelmed with either positive or negative results. Finding a medium can be stress on it’s own but I have come to discover that by focusing on the now you internally can release a great deal of the negative. If by putting yourself into a position of focus in mind…

Close your eyes, hear the sound of your breathing, feel your heart beat and focus on the tips of your fingers. The mind will come to terms with the fact it isn’t hurt. Your thoughts are coming in at a speed that needs to slow down. Envision it like a page of paper. Each word has a speed. This is happening all right now. Take the time to perfect each letter..


Observation 198

I do feel like I am getting too old for some stuff in my life. However I can admit I don’t really hold any of that stuff as particularly important either. So I collect comics, toys, and other things mostly because I enjoy having the stuff not so much to just show off. It’s true my apartment looks like a 9 year old with way money lives there but it’s all a big part of my personality also.

If a person is confident and understands what’s important I think it becomes part of the environment to spread that personality as away of expression. Like I could see someone who is a musician having lots of that spread around the home. Someone who paints will naturally want to have those expressions cover the walls. Same with collectors of pretty much anything.

You can say a great deal about homes and the people who live in them by seeing what comfortable methods they use. It’s interesting to think about at least in a outside looking in kinda way.

Observation 197

Most mornings I wake up and I feel the same. Focused on showering, starting a new day and getting to work. However last Monday I woke up angry,frustrated and probably the most pissed off I have ever been. Odd thing was I don’t know why…? The emotion wasn’t directed at anything it was just how I woke up. A feeling of uncontrollable rage just built up so bad that it actually caused the muscles in my neck to hurt.

True tension and I don’t know what caused it. It was the oddest thing because I had no reason to be angry I simply just felt it. One of the things I noticed I have become very good at doing is putting on the mask. The second I opened the door to my job I was fine. The emotion was gone and I was focused again. I think maybe it was something that was new to my being older now and just needed to happen. Perhaps even chemical.. Not really sure.. but regardless.. it was a thing.. hmmm

Observation 196

Having a great family is like walking down a road with both large and small hills. Sometimes it will be easy to move down and sometimes it will be difficult to move up. I can’t say I understand the motivation of everything we have done in our time but I can say that with all the experience I understand the difference between right and wrong. With that in mind I know I have made mistakes and I know I have progressed better than I ever thought I could.

I am smart, stubborn, and sometimes I overthink about everything. I wouldn’t change much about my past. I know now I could think of ways to improve some of my decisions made but part of what I believe in comes from the idea that fate has it’s ways of setting up who and how we are. The Present is current and you can’t change what has been done just live in the right now and plan for the best.

With all this reflecting I feel like I know myself about as well if not better now than I ever have. I am happier, more thoughtful, and if this website is proof of anything it’s that I am an Observer .. and almost at a 200!

Observation 195

So while I am here at the hard rock cafe on 42nd st. I look around at all the musical pieces left by musicians who made these items legendary and I question was it planned? Was it a day by day thing or was something more supernatural in works.

I know from experience most good and bad things happen out of anyone’s control. You can hope for greatness but how often does that actually happen? I also believe that talent can take a person very far with the right practice and dedication. I just want to understand the road and details in that.

Observation 194

I am split, part of me is excited for this journey I am taking today. Another part is telling me to leave it all alone. Why dig? I am hoping that by going back to the places I once called home I will discover something. Perhaps a passion I had, a goal or something.

Why am I doing what I am? I know I am smarter and better than this but for some reason I just have no focus. Like some people know they want to work for the military, or become carpenters. After almost 36 years I still have no idea.

So maybe something will click..

Observation 193

During this time of year my brain seems to spend much of the time overthinking. I think a great deal about the future and what I would like to accomplish. I think about what will change in the next year.

Right now I am thinking about how I should know what to do next. I know the adult stuff comes easy to me. Pay rent, Bill’s and keep my job. Stay healthy and all that basic stuff. Yet the path seems like it’s a myst to me.

Should I be doing more? Honestly I don’t know and I don’t think I will ever know. I kinda settled into this take it as it comes mentality. It’s worked because it has made it so I am never surprised but I never expect anything also.

I think I should have an idea by now.