The Progression of Alexander

12/04/2020 12:16 AM

Currently listening to …

It’s really really good! I know I haven’t written much here in a bit. Holidays went very well. Everything was Virtual but it all worked out. My mother dropped off food for me and my girlfriend. Food was amazing and we spent the entire day on zoom. It felt like thanksgiving but .. in a future kind of.. odd way..

The last few days have been horrible with the weather. Cold.. wet.. and just blah. Oooo Also really excited about this Announcement

Should be awesome! .. anyway.. back to work tonight.. Things will be good!! Just posted Observation 214… 215 should be soon also.. YEA!!

11/11/2020 10:39 AM

So it’s Wednesday which really is my Monday cause I go back to work tonight. The number of Covid cases are up and honestly I’m very concerned about going back. I don’t get paranoid about many things but it being November and Thanksgiving being right around the corner I don’t think it’s safe at all to be around my family.

I am really uncomfortable with the idea of being around my parents. My own safety I have come to terms with a longggg time ago. I can’t do anything about it because I need to work. It’s just the situation I’m in and I have been trying for years to get out of it but without focus, time and the right resources it simply won’t change.

I’m comfortable with it but only time will tell. Currently watching

Really funny podcast/Youtube show. Just good times and good conversations. Will probably upload another Observation tonight if not write something tomorrow morning.

11/09/2020 5:38 AM

I love my brother. He’s older than me by 5 years. I also have a sister who is older than me by 9 years whom I also love but I just finished having a good conversation with him about the state of the world. This entire week has been a test on myself and a reflection of what I think. Things are changing all the time that much I understand.

This year was rather dramatic with the changes happening around me. I say me but in truth I understand the changes happened to everyone. That’s life. and yet I understand that our decisions are what make our actions and our intensions while sometimes misguided are why we do .. what we do.

Tensions are high but only because we feel that way. We still wake up, go to work, love and hate as we always have done. Perception has changed because of our influences. The internet hell this page alone has become a place of ideas. Sadly rare are any ideas of progress and education now because we haven’t promoted that in a non toxic way. We feed of greed and call it progression.

At the being of the year I took a trip to Brooklyn to my old home as a reflection of my past but all I saw was a future. Places I loved gone and all for a question. What is important?

I know personally what is important and what I value. I don’t know what the entire state of things is leading too. I have a very morbid and at times pessimistic way of looking at things. Cynical even …but I try to gather hope from the little things I see.

It is still our actions no matter what that makes us who we are. We still have to make everything happen the way it’s going ..

11/02/2020 3:23 AM

Most of last week was amazingly bad. It started with me working last Sunday and coming home Monday morning at 4:30 am to a very awake girlfriend. Not a bad thing that she was awake but naturally I was tired around 7 am.. and was woken at about 10 am to a phone call that her brother passed away. It broke my heart to hear that news but the day would progress and get worse while I received a text that one of my co workers wasn’t going to beable to work because he might have Covid. The test would not get the results back till yesterday morning and he was fine.

I very rarely interacted with the kid so I didn’t have anything to work about. I worked 4 hours last night to make up for not working Saturday. Saturday would come and I would get to visit my family which was nice. However the girlfriend would also leave that morning to go deal with her own family issues in Virginia. She will not be back till… Maybe.. Saturday.. maybe Friday.. at this point it’s anyone’s guess because things are just hectic with what is happening.

Today and tomorrow I have off which is nice cause I don’t plan on doing much. sleep and rest.. hopefully this week ends up better..

10/25/2020 7:34 AM

Just got outta work. Was kind of a long night.. still kind of a long week.. have another night to go “Tonight”, Which I normally don’t work Sundays but I asked for Friday, Saturday off… so my entire week is odd. Just tired but also was happy to come home to find Ghostbuster stuff was added to Fortnite!!

Didn’t buy the skins but I did purchase the backpack and equipment stuff.. Pretty cool..

Trying really hard to dig myself out of a moody…kind of .. depressed thing I am going thru in my head.. Hard to say?… I think it’s mostly the weather change. Meh.. Regardless I’m hungry.. time for food.. sleep.. and of course back to work..

10/18/2020 11:33 PM

Currently watching

He’s playing a game called LIT on the Nintendo WII. Pretty fun puzzle/horror game that I think most people missed but looks fun!

I worked last night.. Got up around 1 P.M.ish.. Cooked some food for the girlfriend and I. Today is the Anniversary of her Grandfathers passing so a majority of the day I spent keeping her busy. I even ordered a really nice cake and found a copy of a game she has been trying to play forever!.. So the stars just aligned correctly and it was overall a busy and progressive day.

She has a short shift tomorrow but I will probably spend a majority of the day cleaning and sorting out the little bits of things here. I will probably visit my parents and see if I can dig out some more of my stuff. I am looking for some older SNES stuff I know I have.. maybe some clothing .. I will see!

10/13/2020 10:46 AM

Woke up this morning and sat to check the e-mails. Put meh headphones on and am listening to Metallicas Re-master of And Justice For All “still probably one of the hardest albums I have ever head.. without question there best work”.

https://www.metallica.com/store/and-justice-for-all-remastered-3cd/REAJFA3CD.html?cgid=Vinyl%20and%20CDs#start=25&sz=12

Spent a majority of the last couple of days relaxing and organizing books. Cooked a amazing Pork dinner last night with Rice and beans. WAS SOOOOOO GOOD! Also spent probably a majority of the day playing fortnite with my brother, my best friend Melvin, My brother in law Charles, and both of my Nephews CJ and William and at one point my girlfriend.

Was over all a very unproductive day but fun and relaxing. Not sure what I’m planning to do today but hopefully it will be more productive than yesterday.

10/11/2020 6:24 AM

So came home.. Took meh shower.. Finished work for the week.. and watching me some twitch.tv

Currently he’s playing Mega Man 3 Which personally I think has a great Soundtrack and is overall a hard NES game… but pretty fun! Got myself a Rum and Coke which I made myself.. Feeling very relaxed.

Don’t think I will play games till later on today.. Got Pez “Meh youngest kitty” running around the home.. like a crazy cat.. Also I got me and the girlfriend new Headphones from this company called BENGOO… They have a store on Amazon

So far I love the quality of the sound. Design is pretty awesome and sold… has a volume control, and a USB that lights em up… I haven’t tried the mic yet.. because I haven’t gone online with em yet.. but will know more about that later on tonight… Planning on playing some games with my Bro and homies.. WE WILL SEE how the day goes!

10/10/2020 5:27 AM

So the last few days have been mentally draining. I have been trying to get myself out of this state of mind but it always seems to be beating me. My boss Kevin actually said something to me yesterday about this time of year just gets to everyone and I never really put the two together. Maybe it’s the weather change or just the way people behave but something has really been itching my mind in the wrong way. I have considered going to a doctor “again” to discuss this stuff but in reality I don’t want to have to go on pills or anything like that.

I fucking hate pills “always have” and I don’t know maybe I can find a different way to sort this out. Perhaps something in my diet which oddly enough I have been eating better so perhaps the lack of sugar?… I don’t know but it isn’t good and I need to figure it out. One more day of work and really part of dealing with my problems sourced at work. People have been for lack of a better way of saying it Dumb! This is really nothing new from me but the level of dumb is just worse. Like if I had to scale it 1 – 10.. it would be 20!

The state has mandated masks which you would think is a good thing but the lack of people taking it seriously is brutal. I understand that repeating myself and the acceptance of mistakes is a thing as a requirement of the job but .. patience while I have a high level for it.. IS WEARING THIN..

Anyway.. gonna listen to some music and pass out.. blah

10/07/2020 10:17 AM

So currently listening to the New Ascension of The Watchers album Apocrypha and must say it’s probably the best work released from this band. The entire album feels very smooth and while it features Burton C. Bell on vocals “Also singer of Fear Factory and City of Fire”.. it’s soooooooooooo different from those bands but in such a great way. Honestly might be my favorite album released in 2020. A side from that!!

I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Slept a bit to adjust my sleep for my return to work tonight. Probably going to go to the post office in a bit. The weather outside feels GREAT. Not hot.. not cold.. just perfect.. and the trees are starting to change color.. October is and always has been my favorite MONTH! I am sure this winter is going to be brutally cold but today is a good day to be outside.

I played some more Fortnite with meh homies Ian and Melvin yesterday. Was a good time. Made some really good Chicken strips last night with home made Honey Mustard..so yes.. naturally AMAZING FOODS! Return to work tonight as I have already said so really just taking in the time as it comes. My days off always seem to go so fast.. meh..

10/05/2020 8:10 AM

Just woke up.. Took a nap from about 2:30 AM till about now. Just chillen watching some Twitch streamers.. thinking about playing some Fortnite. Not sure what the plan for today is. All I know is I don’t have work and I’m feeling wide awake. Outside my Living Room window looks like silent hill.

Think I might make some french Toast and see how the rest of the day pans out from this point.. hmmm

10/02/2020 6:10 AM

Came home from work today.. Took meh shower and was planning to sleep… Wake up and get the laundry but from the reports it’s going to rain most of the day.. will probably push that back to tomorrow!

Also I don’t know if anyone ever checks the links!! But I have a twitch channel and a Youtube Channel.. Both can be found at!!

https://www.twitch.tv/kainless

AND

https://www.youtube.com/user/kabal610/videos?view_as=subscriber

I keep saying I’m going to do more V LOGS on both.. No clue when.. that will happen.. but right now!! I have Video game Plays… stuff like that .. SOME with vocals and nonsense but .. some without.. ya know.. Either way…

That is what I have been doing.. lots of Mortal Kombat 11, Fortnite.. Doom.. ya know.. lots of ME stuff!

So.. before sleep I have been reading the HORROR NOVEL… Cabal by my favorite writer ever.. CLIVE Barker.. Book is amazing.. it has a movie based on it called Nightbreed.. but like so many things.. THE BOOK IS BETTER… super good.. still plan on catching up with Batman comics.. but probably won’t get to that till Sunday…maybe Monday.. we will see.. but I am deff starting it up again this week..

Next two shifts start at 6 PM.. so yes.. halfway .. on the way!

MY GIRL!! HERE IS SOME DOWA!

09/29/2020 9:39 AM

Woke up at like around 3 AM. Had a pretty busy couple of days. Visited my sister and helped my father out with some stuff for the house. Was overall a great couple of days so far. Today I don’t plan on doing much. Relax and prepare my mind for tomorrow night. Played some more matches with my girlfriend of Fortnite.

Not sure what I plan to do today but I did find this cool Metal Podcast.

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9bKRKhpgFRTudsVfPkFlMg/featured

It’s the singer for Machine Head “Rob Flynn” doing interviews. Hearing some crazy stories from bands I listen to all the time. So that’s been pretty cool. Of course this brings me back a bit.

We will see what happens as the day goes on.

09/25/2020 9:25 AM

Worked the last couple of nights and have been extremely tired. Oddly enough I slept 8 hours yesterday. Not so much the night before and will probably not sleep so much today but yes.. VERY Tired.

Came home and took a great shower. Did my 5 matches of Kombat League and GOT THE PRIZE I WANTED!!

Look how cool he is!! Best skin in the game so far!! I think!.. Followed that by winning 3 matches with Blade in Fortnite!

Also really cool! So why the hell am I awake? Was planning on Laundry and some shopping.. Hopefully I will get it all done. Also waiting on this!

Very cool!! Also top 3 games I have ever played in my life so MUST HAS!! Will know at 10AM if I get one or not. Regardless of all that the adulting in my life had me sort out money and what not this morning. It’s the end of the month so mailed out the rent and paid some more stuff off today. blah blah blah Adult life is what it is.. However with that said I will say I am actually a really good adult. In the 11 years I have been working I can say I have held a flawless record of always paying everything either before or exactly on time. NEVER LATE.. and I think that’s because I get paranoid.

Maybe it’s the wrong word but I constantly think about the important stuff to the point I can’t sleep if it’s not sorted and done. It’s how I do my job and how I manage Adult life. Everything has to be on time and sorted BEFORE I get to play! Which I often wonder if it’s the correct way to live life?…hmmm

09/23/2020 3:53 AM

This is going to be a bit of a different place from my Observation page. Here I will discuss more on the internal battles of my mind and thoughts on how I feel about aging. Probably going to be way more personal with this part of the page. As I star this I will also note that I took down the Song of the day page because it was becoming to difficult to keep up with and I figure I can just discuss it more here along with just interactions of the day (Streams, Comics I read, and so on).

Tonight is my adjustment day for work. I go into work at 7PM today so adjusting my sleep for that is pretty much me waking up at 12AM and sleeping from about 9AM till 530pm *8 HOURS. My sleeping habits for the last 11 or so years have always been horrible. Normally it’s 4 hour burst of sleep with a mix of work, cleaning, and just interacting with whomever “Friends and Family”. Occasionally watching a stream or two on Twitch.TV.

Which normally I will post on Twitter what I am doing with that. For those that don’t know my name on that is @KainlessG. It’s really not much of a feed.. Mostly post about PS4 streams, pictures of Fortnite/Mortal Kombat wins with a dash of minor comments in the moment. I’ll reply to anyone who has something to say currently so by all means .. LOOK ME UP!

Which speaking of Mortal Kombat I have been playing MK 11 Kombat League and I am happy to say that getting the Baraka Kytinn skin is going to be super easy and I am 2 days away from accomplishing that! All that was required was finishing all the challenges for 10 days so meh.. I already made it too Champion so I have already received the two skins for that.. I am not really trying..but meh.. if I get to Demi God I will be surprised.

Fortnite I got this awesome new skin for a chacter named Penny who apparently is rare and THICC!!..She’s awesome and yea.. that’s a thing!

Short of that today was an over all easy day. I woke up around 3pm but took a couple of naps in between that and now. Watched a couple of films with the girlfriend on Amazon Prime and read the latest issue of Harley Quinn.. which on the topic… I don’t know if they are making any more of those comics.. because it say to read Batman #96 at the end of it… So .. curious.. But yes! Batman will be the next series I need and WANT TO catch up on..

A side from that I also started reading The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich which is A MASSIVE book someone recommended “Can’t remember who”. They said it was very interesting to read considering the current time we live in and how history is kind of repeating itself OR from what I can see reflecting on the past. I don’t know much about World War 2 but so far it’s an interesting read and will probably take me awhile to finish.

You can find it here > https://www.amazon.com/Rise-Fall-Third-Reich-History/dp/1451651686

Back to work tonight “as I already said”.. So just gonna probably watch some RiahBhee and chill..

https://www.twitch.tv/riahbhee

Observation 212

Took some time off to deflate from work. Sometime for myself to catch up on writing, reading, SLEEP, and just to spend time with the home “Girlfriend and pets”.. It’s never been easy to work at night but really just to avoid the public because it was starting to make me see red. It’s now Sunday morning and I don’t go back till Wednesday night but yea..

So far trying to catch up with my comic book reading which .. it’s been awhile and I have soooooooo much to get past. Harley Quinn and Batman I am catching up and OMG.. If anyone is under rated for writing… Comic book writers need to really really get more credit because the writing is soooooooo FU@#ING GOOD!Amazing!

Also watched Metallicas S&M 2 dvd which really what can I say about it that isn’t Obvious! It’s Metallica …amazing.. great set.. great music.. good times.. Also watched some films and started watching some new youtubers.. really taking time to just dig into stuff I like! I haven’t done it in awhile but it’s overall a good time.

CLEARLY writing hasn’t been easy for me recently cause my focus has sucked. Mostly just stress and dealing with people will scatter the mind which is exactly again.. the same reason I needed the time off. Not that sure what to write about right now but ..so far.. sooooooooooooo good… will post more probably later..

Observation 207

I had planned on writing this a couple of weeks ago but oddly enough I just couldn’t pull the time or focus for it. Someone keeps distracting me..

“Looks over at kitten that is now… a cat named Pez!”

So Quarantine life!!! It’s finally become a thing everyone is focused on. In truth I can’t say much has changed for me since this entire thing started at the start of…March I want…to say..So it’s been what?….Two months…and what I have I learned?

What place do I even start? Okay so I had plans to see my older brother in the great state of Texas. That would be the first place that I can say my plans changed. I didn’t get to see my brother and even on the 3rd of May i’m still upset about that. Why? First I wanted see my brother whom I don’t think I get to see enough and very rarely get the opportunity (A word that will come up a great deal in this post) to have the time to see him. He works a job with crazy hours, I also do the same. So time was limited and it could have been a great time HAD THIS FUCKING VIRUS not done what it did.

At the time the numbers of deaths and cases kept rising and I felt it was ill advised to do any type of traveling. Funny to note… that the following Wednesday all of NY went into Lock down mode. They didn’t stop travel but ADVISED.. Against it. Which seems to have become a thing.

Every media source that I have in my life. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube, and Discord all focused on this situation. People stayed home and continued to stay away from each other which is still .. currently.. in play. The problem or interesting part of it all was that I would come to find Very little..changed.. for me personally.

Not gonna lie as a almost 37 year old Adult my life before all this was pretty isolated in terms of what we gauge as communicable. I come to find out that this guy “ME” who started a job at 7.10 $/hr in 2004…Right out of High School is ESSENTIAL!! So what does that mean? Several things… I become the Test Rat for doing everything that Scientist warned us NOT TO DO .. But had to do because of the following..

Rent is still due.. Government never suspended it..So talks to my Landlord went as following.. If the Mortgage companies want the money..Rent is still due.. Bills are still due.. Credit card debit is still due.. FOOD.. still need to eat.. TOILET PAPER.. ODDLY ENOUGH.. still needed.. So to sum this all up FOR ME.. I still needed to work.

It went from .. Keep everything clean at night.. tooooooo .. No more Over Nights “We don’t make enough money to merit the hours”.. toooooooo… Work 40 hours during the day.. just keep everything clean.. tooooooo.. Plastic Glass between us and the customers… Sanitizer for hands every 20 or so minutes..Wash yo hands.. toooooooooooo.. Wear a mask to work… Lose 1$ a dollar an hour because you aren’t working night shift.. BUT GAIN.. 2$ an hour for hazard pay ONLY During the month of April.. Now extended tooooooo.. MAY..”So really just 1$ extra and hour…”..Gain all Incentive pay because we can’t be shopped because they can’t send out NINJAS toooo watch us.. but continuing doing what needs to be done regardless…

It has been great weather TWICE.. since this all started… No one in town on those days gives a fuck about the pandemic. People want to celebrate birthdays, ride boats, go fishing, and so on.. and who gives a fuck about who gets sick.. LIVE ONCE.. YOLO… Whatever the fuck that means!?…

How…is this.. Affecting you Alexander?… The good thing is I get to sleep at night… I guess.. Family is holding together nicely online.. Which is probably the highest of Highlights in all of this. Great concerts and community events online.. The Internet has proven to be a very cool place to be if you are someone who enjoys music and art. FINALLY CUT MY HAIR!! Finally got the shifts the way I want them.. 4 DAYS A week instead of 5.. Played the new Doom Eternal.. Doom 64 got released.. “Info on all that nonsense is here !! https://videogamesalexander.wordpress.com/

The Negatives?… Every day I could get sick.. Im tip top now.. but that could change because people still think it’s more important to drink and play FUCKING LOTTERY .. than to isolate themselves. People have become more hostel.. “myself included”.. Dumb behavior has tripled “just from my own observations”… some don’t wear masks.. some just don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves.. and yes I deal with those people.. Some are in total denial about the situation.. “it’s not real.. ignorance ignorance …ignorance”.. IQs are WITHOUT QUESTION..DOWN… Learning a great deal bout survival.. oh and no new comics are being made until this is over.. “THAT SUCKS PERSONALLY”… Can’t do my own laundry, Food shopping online is completely booked! Can’t see really see my family in a hug and have a beer kinda way.. I might actually take up drinking after all this is over.. and maybe on a good head start to do that more often now..

If ever a time in my life that I felt like ..maybe I SHOULD be doing drugs.. NOW IS THE TIME.. …now I say that because I have still TO THIS DAY.. NEVER DONE ANY DRUGS.. short of drinking with my brother and a hand full of people I call friends.. “Kinda a personal note I just thought to add in here”..

I am working on reorganizing my home.. “that’s a plus”.. am working on making new music.. “another plus!!”.. Keeping in contact with family which was never really an issue before …is still.. Not an issue.. Short of I work during the day now so .. it’s just odd for everyone..

I am tired of the situation.. my patents are at an all time LOW..just.. keeping my head high and hoping for the best for now..

Observation 205

So far 2020 has been a lesson on my fears. Perhaps things have been far to good for my liking and this is just a touch of reality that was needed for me. I build a routine on my life and how things are supposed to go.

Wake up, work, do stuff, sleep and repeat

Yet what I have come to understand recently is that fear comes in two different categories. Fearing something cause you have a bases for it and fear something because you don’t know what will happen. The first one started this year with me.

I Started the year with the fear of my health. Having to go to the doctors for blood work. Now this doesn’t sound like anything serious at all but the lesson came regardless. The last two times I gave blood I almost passed out and fainted. For anyone who has ever done that or experienced it they can tell you IT SUCKS!!.. Also this is something new that my body does because either I was dehydrated the last two times I went or cause I hadn’t eaten and gotten enough sleep.

So this last time I learned from the fear.. SLEEP!! EAT!! DRINK LOTS OF WATER BEFORE GIVING BLAH… DUH!

That felt more like a internal thing and honestly looking back on it now much of that had to do with my health. This also brings us to the current state of fear I have. Which funny enough has to do my health also. However this has more to do with outside influence and less to do with experience.

Now at this point i’m not going to say the word everyone is talking about right because frankly i’m sick of hearing about it. However I will say it could potentially affect my lungs which has been in the past a problem I was born with. If I think about it now I am 100% sure I will have to face that problem again in the future maybe some 50 or 40 years down the line but still.. DOWN THE LINE…

I would rather not think about it right now. Yet it does hover around me the idea that somethings a person simply can’t change. Mortality isn’t something I really thought about at all during the ages of 1-27. Something changed after I turned 27 and it hit me pretty hard with a reality that things HAD TO CHANGE.

Eating habits, Looking after my activities, Routines and so on all became things I had to actually become self aware of. Which is kinda strange because before that it was eating Reeses cups and riding a bike to see my friends in Brooklyn.

Now it’s Leafy Greens, Yogurts, Fruits, Meats “In moderation” and MAYBE a Reeses cup once a month if I am feeling OH SO RISKY!!… It’s kinda odd how things happen but I guess that’s just life. The good, the bad and the between you are supposed to fall into.

I also must say I find it very interesting how during everything I have just now started to notice how Social Media has actually taken a part of my life. Don’t get me wrong I love twitter, Facbook “it helps connect my family”, and so on but yea.. Very strange that I never really even noticed how it happened. Normally I just observe things I enjoy.. Comics, Music, Video Games, NAKED LADIES AND SO ON!!! So yea the idea that while following all that I have some how become so aware of the world outside my door has me at a interesting pass I guess…

Perhaps a future Topic… Moderation needs to come to play with that also..

Observation 204

The mind is a funny thing to me. Personally I am always overthinking everything I do. So when it comes to something I DON’T want to do that I know I NEED to do my mind almost always takes a turn for the worst! I don’t really know what it is about thinking over the worst possibilities of things but I have as far as I can remember always been the one to do that.

It’s helped in some cases because 9 out of 10 times I prepare for the worst so in the case that the best thing happens I often am happily surprised. Recently “Today” I FINALLY gave my blood for the check up test that I really needed to get done.. “IT WAS OVER DUE BY 5 YEARS!!”….but what I FIND funny about myself is that in the weeks before the test I had this feeling in my stomach of total fear of concept. Not so much the blood test but the idea that I might pass out and how horrible I would feel after it all.

I pretty sure it was 99% fear of not wanting to feel great. Currently not even an hour after it’s done.. I feel AMAZING!! I mean yes I have to wait for the test results now but even for the sake of lets say something is wrong just the fact that I KNOW the why makes me overwhelmed with strength. I understand my body that much better now and my mind can be put at rest for all time on the concept of not knowing THE WHY!!?

For weeks the why was.. WHY THE HELL DID I ALMOST FAINT TWICE!!!? So as people do these days I googled the problem. Why do I faint while giving blood? The answers came as pure logic.

LACK OF SLEEP, LACK OF WATER, LACK OF FOOD!!

So I spent the last few weeks just keeping to a routine of drinking enough water, getting about as much sleep as I could and of course eating the right stuff for TODAY. Went with my mother “WHO IS THE BEST ON EARTH!” got it done in less than an hour and now here I am typing this nonsense out…

Of course I knew the feeling of completion would be the best “Which it is!”. It feels like I solved a really hard puzzle or finished something that took me weeks to figure out. No greater High!…to my knowledge.. but what I find the most interesting is that state of mind before all this. Why does my mind work the way it does? Why do I think the way I do? What the hell was it all about?

I think the biggest answer to all of it was the concept that I didn’t know. I feared because I wasn’t sure of the answer. In this life I am so sure of so many things but having something out of my control that I wasn’t sure of was really twisting my mind into a very strange place. It really makes me want to push myself to take risks. Not like..anything dangerous.. but to work into new ideas.. New Concepts.. perhaps see what the worst case senior could be…but without putting myself into danger.. Like how far can I push my body? Working out… how far can I run!!? How much weight can I actually lift “SAFELY”…. what are my limits?? How many Books can I read in the span of a year.. a month.. a week!!… So many things… so many things..

Observation 201

I have this strange thing I do and I only recently started to think about it but it involves moving stuff around my home. I don’t believe in Feng Shui or anything like that but it’s something I have been doing since forever ago. I might be from having siblings and sharing rooms with them. It might be just because I find it relaxing to organize stuff “I know I am weird”. Yet it is something that I often find myself doing.

Now I have lived on my own in 3 different homes “Not Counting the Girlfriends”. With each home I have had I set things up in such a way that it’s easy to plan stuff out. Living Room, Kitchen, Bathroom and Bed Room are really a basic thing people just naturally do. However the set up of those things are the beginning of the year is a funny thing I tend to change normally 2 or 3 times a year.

I am also a big collector of just random Nerdy things. Comic Books, Funko Pops, Action Figures, Anything related to Mortal Kombat, Movies and Music of course. So in adding things and subtracting things I tend to find organizing is kinda a benefit to my personality in that I know exactly where everything is or at least I have an idea.

I have known people who can walk into a place, Throw clothing on the floor and throw themselves also on a bed or love seat. That stuff will stay in the place it is at for days. Said people will never be bothered by it until they have to gather it all to have it be cleaned “Just as a personal note it’s no one I currently know”. I always found it interesting to see that because you could ask the same person how do you find anything and that person will know exactly the place the stuff was thrown.

Now I think it has something to do with how the brain organizes thoughts. I think if you mix those types of people “Yes they drive each other crazy”.. But you also come into the position that the chaos can create a very cool conversation for how it’s organized. Like think about how any person can start a conversation.

Me: Hello.. How are you?

Person 1: I am good just thinking about Food…

Me: What kinda food?

Person 1: Something with Toast.. Oh hey did you see the game last night?

END CONVERSATION

See how it could have stayed on topic but instead it goes from one topic to another thus keeping the conversation going about random things yet also opening doors to go in and out of.

I am finding that at the start of the year things have a habit of starting up and shutting down ideas and goals to come.

Observation 200

As an Observer of everything around me I have come to understand that to move forward sometimes you need to reflect and Move back. So as this is post 200 I would like to move really far back to 1983.

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This was the first place I can remember. Everything was so much bigger but to be fair I was so much smaller also. It was the first place I ever lived and from what I can remember it was great. I have great parents and great siblings and while I don’t write much about my personal life on here I do often think about who I am and why I am the way I am. A big part of that comes from the people whom raised me. Who taught me right from wrong. Who taught me how to deal with the ups and the downs. It all started in this building so I wanted to see some 37 years later if I could find it again. This picture is proof that I could find it.

While the area isn’t even close to what I remember it being the building still stands and I am happy to see at least that much hasn’t changed. I am sure other families are being raised in this building like mine with the idea of having a great life. I am sure it’s still a comfortable place to live. Yet I wonder what type of lifestyle a person NOW must hold up to maintain such a place to live. I know it took hard work and a sense of direction to make it work. I just wonder how much that has changed in all these years?

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This building was once a Public Library. I remember borrowing books on Elementary School projects. One specific book I remember borrowing was a book on drugs and poisons. It had a skull on the cover and I recall it scaring me to the point that I knew I was never going to ever take anything that a doctor or my mother didn’t give me that was a remotely drug related. It’s strange because I didn’t remember any of this until I saw that building again and the library being missing. Funny how things stick with you even 37 years later.

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This was another very important place because this would be first place I ever played an Arcade game or bought a Piece of Chocolate. It was called Tommys. Lots of good memories come to mind about that place and it being the first convince store I ever really had any interest in going too I find it even more interesting that I remember anything about it at all.

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Ditmas Ave was the first building block in my life. The introduction to my Family values and friendships came from such a small area in Brooklyn, New York and I don’t think I would be the person I am today without it. So let’s move forward some years and find another place in Brooklyn..

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This is Avenue P which would be my 5th home but the one I would spend until recently the most time in my life in. Again with my parents and my siblings this would also be the last home that we all lived together in. I went thru my teenage years which constructively would be much of my personality in this part of my life. I learned a great deal in this home having Finished the 5th grade here.. All of JR High which was 6th – 8th Grade and part of High School here.

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This was home and it was safe. We all spent many years in the back of this building Barbecuing, Celebrating Birthdays, I stored my Bike that my brother purchased for me in the back. I learned how to use my first computer here. First real girlfriend.. come to think of it.. First of many things happened to me in this home and while I reflect on it now I think it was very important that it all happen here.

Why? Cause this area was diverse. I learned that people are who they are here because of experience and because walking a block in any direction could bring you to a place so different from the next that it was important and yet unnoticed that we all have the same problems. Most of us no matter what religion or color or age are really just trying to get by. We all do things different and I think Brooklyn at the time while a melting pot of culture it also raised a particular type of person who thought the entire world was like that. Which coming up now at almost 38 years old I have learned that it’s not true. The world is much bigger but it’s also very very divided depending on the location.

My heart will always be in Brooklyn because of how anyone who worked hard and tried there best could come home and not think about any of those things. It was a question of taste and feeling… even in something as basic as a question like what do I want to eat.. ? Pizza?…Chines?.. Spanish?.. the list goes on and on.. and it worked for everything you could think of. The friends I had going to school were diverse. I had all types of cultures to learn from. Backgrounds of religion and so many different points of view to learn from. A was more of a question of comfort.

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This was the first job I ever had. It was at the time a smoke shop and my mother got me the job. I was told to go and sweep, organize some shelves, doing some dusting, and stock some sodas. Pretty simple stuff and really I find it kinda funny how I am still doing the same job. At the time I didn’t have direction. Come to think of it even now I don’t have direction but I was comfortable with it then. SAME as I am now. I have grown and while that shop is no longer in business. I believe that everything does happen for a reason and that it’s time and place has set it’s purpose for me.

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While not my home this was a place I spent a great deal of time at. My best friend whom my brother introduced me too lived in this building. In this place I would come to learn to love many of the strange things I do now from Horror films, to the type of music I listen to now. I have very fond memories of spending weekends at this place just being silly and myself. I learned how to keep an open eye on everything. To observe and always be aware of what others had in mind to do. I spent a great deal of time with my best friend just talking about everything. Building my own philosophy on life. It was important and it had to happen here.

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Last stop on this trip is One of the happiest place I have ever been. I can’t explain the joy I got from seeing this building. I can’t express the smell, the feeling of the air, the sound and cold of it. It was Toys R Us.. sadly it’s gone. Yet even walking to this very location I came to a place that had nothing but great memories for me. It was family time for my father, Mother, Sister and Brother to gather at this place and know that a good time was going to be had. It wasn’t so much the purchasing of the toys as much as it was the thrill of getting into the car together. It was a feeling of wonder as to what we would find.

Some of the time we knew what we were looking for. Yet the younger me that was often didn’t. I just knew I wanted to go to see the building with the rainbow colored walls. The automatic doors and the feeling that everyone was happy to be in that place. Something good was in the air and it held that feeling still to this day. It was the experience that made it important not so much the why. We always went to this place when things were good. When we had it all or at least.. that’s what it felt like.

Observation 199

Every path goes someplace different in life. As an individual we choose too take steps in both the educated and predictable position or the more risky impulsive way. As someone who thinks far too much I can say I put that first one into play all too often.

We need to make discussions about what we are doing and how we can get to it. The biggest problem is we don’t often focus on the now. Are we yelling? Stressed over things we can’t currently change? What time is it? How do I physically feel? Is it causing a physical thought on what’s going to happen and what has happened?…

Muscles tense up and emotions can become overwhelmed with either positive or negative results. Finding a medium can be stress on it’s own but I have come to discover that by focusing on the now you internally can release a great deal of the negative. If by putting yourself into a position of focus in mind…

Close your eyes, hear the sound of your breathing, feel your heart beat and focus on the tips of your fingers. The mind will come to terms with the fact it isn’t hurt. Your thoughts are coming in at a speed that needs to slow down. Envision it like a page of paper. Each word has a speed. This is happening all right now. Take the time to perfect each letter..

Better..

Observation 192

Chill in the air and winter is here. I can not believe the year is almost over. This week I will start recording somethings special for observation 200!! Which is just around the corner. So I have 8 more to go before that and I hope to have all that done before the end of the year.

Things are moving faster and faster and i am doing my best to keep up with it all. I already am making plans for next year. This week is going to be a busy one but I hope with the right planning as I do it should all pan out. Work is busy also but with it also the slow down in who comes out after midnight is creeping. Living in a small town now has its ways of modifying business.

Mentally it’s better now but physically it can be difficult because of the lack of sun. Now that’s odd for someone like me to say.. considering most of my time I spend at night. Yet I still feel it and with that I start new routines. I bike inside as opposed to outside. Lift some weights and try to stay positive. It does take a toll mentally but if I keep with the physical stuff the mental stuff passes quick.

Hopefully this will all work the way I have planned.

Observation 188

I am happy with my life and all the little details that come with it. It’s turned out positive for the most part. I haven’t been self destructive, my mind is in a good place and I have taken full responsibility for my actions. Not so many people are capable of saying that.

The goals that I have are simple. Pay off my debt and continue to self improve both my mind and my body. Staying focused on what’s important to me has become an exercise in itself. I see two views on how I am supposed to hold myself.

The first is in the wide and far aspect. Am I paying my bills? Is the work I do useful? Am I pushing for a better tomorrow? On all respects of that I can say yes. Anything I have sighed my name on I take full responsibility for. My actions are always professional and my planning is executed to my best ability. Again I don’t know many whom can say that.

The second view is internal. Am I happy? Is what I am doing now finished? Should I push for more and what does that really mean? At this point I can say I am happy. I know what I have control over and I have never strayed from that path. I can dream big but the goal should be something planned and I should trust myself to excited at what resources I have… if that makes any sense.

Use what I have learned and take it step by step. That’s the best I have for now.