Observation 187

I have often found myself looking at people like they are Aliens. I think I have just reached that point in my life that I just don’t understand the young and the old just seem clueless to me. I am stuck in this odd middle ground that I can see what is going on and… wait.. Maybe I am the Alien!!?

Let’s see.. I work at night. I sleep maybe a good 6 hours on and off every day. I often talk to myself and on top of that I both my diet “Which is getting better” and workout habits are at best a 65 on the grade point average. Only good thing I can think of right now is that my writing is getting better also I read more than most people. Sure it’s mostly Comic books but that is still more than 88% of the people I can think of.

I do from time to time read biography’s,blogs and the odd News Article but most of that stuff is either depressing or done out of curiosity. My hope for humanity is at best at 10% these days so I put myself into moods that I just make fun of everything. Yet not in a insulting/asshole kinda way.. more playful like someone who looks for rare Pokemon cards..

Observation 186

Normally the first thing I would be doing after work is playing some matches of Mortal Kombat 11. However today I am trying something different. While I write this I am streaming on TWITCH.TV for the First time. I was hoping that this would spark some sort of motivation for a topic but so far it’s just me being silly on cam… and writing this.. HAAAAAAAAA To No one but that’s ok.. cause it’s 5AM EST… who the hell is going to be up right now anyway!

The past week has been a kinda interesting one in that Walmart from what I have heard is cracking down on Violent Video Game Advertisements. Yet also doing nothing about the sales of actual Weapons. Kinda funny… You can use a gun in real life but don’t you dare think about shooting Super Mario!! I also find it kinda funny that while everyone wants to make the case that violent video games are making our KIDS violent.. Those same people are ignoring the fact that the parents let them play the damn games while on the side of the box it says.. 18+!

Hell is some cases I have seen the sales people at the Video Game stores Refuse sales to parents trying to buy the video games for children far younger than the box suggested. I think that might be the bigger problem with this case. It’s a Suggestion… not Required. Really I think this entire topic is silly to begin with because Video Games, and Violent Media don’t make people Violent. It’s a combination of many outside influences that do it.

Think for a moment about how our military works. To begin with you can’t just tell people to kill. It has to be taught and in some cases the lack of compassion is a mental state of mind that could be the result of a disorder or illness. I have myself have dealt with a enough people to know the mental state of a person varies depending on so many different factors.

It could be an entire conversation on it’s own trying to figure out why we do what we do for what reason we do it. Regarding the number of times I HAVE seen this conversation come up in the 36 years I have been alive .. I find it funny that shootings happen and most people run to the hobbies not the actual influences that are taking place in the persons life. How was the person treated? Who was involved in the life of said person? Friends? Family? PETS?… I would think that someone at some point must have sat down and talked to said person?

Maybe I am wrong and this is just a topic I know NOTHING about.. but.. just some thoughts…

Observation 185

So I am thinking about my past again. It’s always been funny to me how people who see me at work don’t notice it’s me after work. I mean I guess it’s a look thing in that I have my hair tied back, always wearing that stupid hat, and I come off as a bit … ummm… moody?brooding?….kinda…scary… I was once told a story about how I was walking “probably to the post office” and a little boy asked his mother if I was a vampire!! LMAO!! Nah.. I suppose that’s just how I have always held myself since I was … 15..

All that black clothing, long hair and just a face that screams I am thinking too much.. yea I get it I suppose.. Don’t go scaring children as my mother would say. Honestly if I think back on it I went from a skinny No thoughts on how to match clothing, short hair kid to what I am cause it just seemed easier.

Now you would think having my siblings would have influenced me in some way on how I held myself but in truth they had NOTHING to do with it. My brother did try to get me to stop wearing the “Booty Hugers”
as he called it… but I never got it because it was just comfortable. Yes I did eventually loosen up on that but mostly that was cause my legs got so hairy that it just became uncomfortable. Plus I was very very self conscious that wearing baggier clothing just seemed the best way to hide what I looked like. The black thing was just again an easier way for me to deal with colors that still to this day I SUCK AT MATCHING.. Plus I found that if I had to wear anything to scream my own personality it should be a shirt with something I could relate too.

If I think back on what I wanted to relate too it was always hinted in the things that I enjoyed. From Castlevania to Anime like Vampire Hunter D. The influences had always been around me but I never said anything about any of this stuff cause I didn’t want people around me thinking I was strange.. Which is funny NOW because I am strange and I LOVE IT! It was just one of those parts of my brain as a teenager and young man that just felt like for lack of a better way of saying it was kinda taboo and complicated to explain. I loved these things and yet didn’t want to share any of it with anyone close to me.

It’s funny because today I could careless what anyone thinks and while I am still just a little bit more closed off with some of this stuff I am also very much still into it all. Plus at face value explaining stuff like why I enjoy listening to the music I do or watching all the horror movies I do it comes from a prospective that is soooooooooooooo uncommon to the fandom of those with similar taste. Even talking to people who liked the stuff I did I think it always felt kinda awkward because MAYBE a handful of those people actually understood the why. It was very layered but I guess that’s why it’s personality… it’s personal.. hmmm…

Observation 184

For a long time I had 3 Hobbies I would focus on in my free time. The first being Video Games, which to this day I still dabble with. Not nearly as hardcore as I was in that field. The Second was Drawing with Pen and Paper. I haven’t done anything artistic short of some coloring on this digital world in a very very long time “Talking years”. The Third thing was Music.

For a long time I was very keen on Gothic/Experimental/Industrial/Metal/Alternative/Rock. With the Internet being what it became I drifted into some hip hop/rap/pop and a little bit Jazz/opera. Never really could find much Country music I enjoyed short of stuff from Willie and Cash. Yet even to this day as a 36 year old fan of music I still keep my mind open to it and while most of the NEWISH.. stuff I hear in all those genres probably sound like crap to me.. I do pick and find that music every now and again surprises me still.

Sometimes I do run across stuff that interest me “stuff like Faderhead, Anything Created by Mick Gordon, Zed, Studio Killers, LAST Wu Tang Album was awesome, New Slipknot Album seems like it’s going in a good Direction, catching up on some older stuff like Skold, De/vision… This list can go on and on for days “. I would spend hours upon hours listening to just random stuff. For awhile I thought I could make my own music and honestly I enjoyed doing it. It became an outlet.

As with things that come and go in life I find that in my lows Music always brings be back to my Highs. No matter how bad a day I have had I can sit down play some doom and listening to some My Dying Bride and life just sort of resets for me. Yea some of the music I listen to is SUPER Depressing in the points of view of a person who has never really dug into it. Yet for some reason it just clicks that button. Recently I have come to find that I want REALLY BADLY.. to Create again just to see what direction I can go in.

I don’t think I would make anything like I did before. It would probably be more Dark toned but not nearly as angry or as Fast. I am curious and I am sure I will get to it eventually. However getting back on topic I have some stuff in mind about how and why I do what I do. For the most part I know I live a life of a 12 year old boy.

My home is covered in toys and CD’s so that is naturally just what my interest as a grown adult NOW.. is… I often think about the type of Adult I have become. Yes I am responsible, Yes I am great at what I do, but with that all should I be more attracted to the growing Community around me? Should these adult standards of build the world you want to live in be at the front of my mind?

I was born and raised a majority of my life in Brooklyn, NY so I understand that keeping to myself and knowing what to fight for is something I spread myself out with. I know a lost cause when I see it. So falling back on my hobbies and minding my business is really just what I do. I have never been loud about religion or politics or even the hobbies I have. SURE I will walk outside probably dressed like a 8 year old boy with Batman on his shirt but honestly it’s who I am.

I would rather hold a conversation about why batman is batman than why I think Trump is an asshole. Hell I probably know better on why Trump is an asshole from a personal state of mind but it’s all based on the actions of said person. Any person can come into my life dressed as one thing and I wouldn’t have the state of mind to say.. JUDGE ON THAT THING.. No.. it all comes after you open your mouth. Say what you need to say but don’t expect me to not judge. I know I judge and I know it’s my option to be vocal or not.

If you take any of my hobbies and judge me by those that in itself makes for a character in YOU that I don’t see at all interesting or Magnetic.