All about Kainless

Observation 211

Building motivation and trying to set goals by dates are difficult to do alone. In groups I notice it becomes more about not wanting to let people down and less about self gratification. For the last seven or so years I have gone up and down on this hill with it. Some years I found that being active and taking time outside of work to improve both my mental and physical state are easy/difficult.

The big thing I notice is during the Winter it’s easier for me. I have the goal in that if I start something in September by June I should be at the goal I am reaching for. Nine months to get my mind into a place I want it to be and have my body follow. The tricky part about I come to find is that if I fall off I often find myself saying.. Next week.. You will do better.. Next Month.. I will say that nine out of ten times it never happens.

Time also passes so quickly as an adult that putting stuff off often takes its toll. I have been reading different research and trying to find ways around this. However I run into a great deal of sales pitches for products, myths, and just stuff that doesn’t work for me but might work for someone with a different set of problems.

What are my problems? I work at night…Now that’s something I like to do. Recently having worked during the day I have come to terms with that. However on a physical and mental question it is extremely draining. It adds the problems of me having to remember to take vitamins, having to remember to set very strict times on when I can and can not do particular things “workout, read, and research”. Setting up points of activity is a job in itself and while some people find planning easy. I find that once I start down the road it BECOMES easy.. it isn’t easy to just start it.

Gonna try some new methods. I also think the one thing that has been consistent with all of this is that it’s been repeated.. DO IT NOW.. Don’t wait.. Just do it NOW and eventually you will build a routine has been a common ground for this stuff. Waiting tends to be .. less productive.

Observation 210

For those of you that don’t know the name Kainless came from the lack of being able to use the name Kain in a online game I was playing sometime between 2006 -2007. If I couldn’t be kain.. I would be Kainless. Ha! Not a particularly exciting story but meh.. Just thought I would throw that out into the world.

I don’t get too personal with this site and I think at this point it’s limiting what I can write about on here. SO… From here on out 210 and beyond I am going to open up a bit more. Really make this a place about… ME! MEH THOUGHTS! AND SO ON!?…. Could it be dangerous? Sure.. WILL IT BE WILD! ABSOLUTELY! but I think in terms of expanding and perhaps even just releasing more posts.. It will be good for me.

So for some time I have wanted to start to stream videos of random observations of things around my home. Stories to collect about collectibles, Comics, Video Games and stuff of that sort. Perhaps a video here and there of work life, family stuff.. Just little things to spread some more of myself out. Like so many things I keep saying I will DO IT!! Yet instead I fall asleep.. Same with Comic book reading.. which I am so far behind .. as well as Video Games I said I would write about.. which I have little here and there…

https://videogamesalexander.wordpress.com/

More recently I have found a interest in watching Twitch Streamers. It’s funny to me because while I enjoy watching some of the games I am more interested in personality and conversations. I don’t go to very popular streams often. A few that I have gone to again are mostly just for conversation and to find some sort of interest..and Exploring. I have even updated my hosting to my channel on some of the people I watch… You can find that here..

https://www.twitch.tv/kainless

Which is also the same place I will probably upload and livestream the observations from. In the past I have only used it to stream Video Games but like I said.. plan..to do …more

Also just as a side note.. I have a media TAB on the top of this page.. You can find links to more stuff on that..

Observation 209

It always starts with a white screen and black letters. Normally I just start to type and something will come to mind to write about. An Observation of some sort in that manor. Recently not much has been coming to mind that seems at all positive and I don’t think it’s just me. Let’s start with work first…

And yes this is going to get a bit more personal than I normally allow on here. I hate talking or even thinking at this point about the pandemic. Hell that is the last thing anyone wants to talk about or hear about at this point however even this place isn’t immune to it I guess so here I go.

When this started in March I knew it was going to be a big change with work. I expected less hours and people to be scared. Very little information was given and what information we had seemed to come from places we all would expect information to come from. News, Social Media, friends and family. People isolated because we didn’t know what to do. Part of me still thinks most people are in that box.

After a few weeks my hours changed and we dismissed my night shift entirely. I expected this because who the hell needs anything that badly at 4 AM ? Honestly at that point I was surprised by how careful and smart we all had been acting…..ACTING….Keyword. Everything was being cleaned, extra measures had been taken, all the smart stuff that I had been saying we should be doing TO START WITH .. people caught up on. I HAD HOPE!

After a few Months now.. Low and behold I am back on Night shifts and things are returning to normal but it seems best to quote with this next part one of my favorite movies ALIENS “Did IQs Just drop sharply while I was away?” As if none of it happened and like a magical cure has happened “Which it hasn’t” All of the people I expected to act like assholes are.. and to my surprise EVEN some MORE.

I step back for a moment..FOR YEARS now I have been writing these observations. YEARS.. I have been saying people are getting dumber. Our education has been such a lack of focus. Again.. No one talks about it short of “ohh the children need to go back to school in September”..which without a vaccine I think is a HUGE MISTAKE. So I said it here..

Still people argue over this mask stuff. Not surprised.. People again.. are dumb. I keep my mouth shut and I try to keep up hope. Hope that maybe it doesn’t have to get worse yet some how.. yea.. gonna end here..

Observation 208

I have always been an Observer. Even before I started this page I would sit in school or outside of my home and just observe things silently. I would watch people walk down the block or people on the subway. Come to think of it now I was kinda creepy with it. Always trying to take things in from my environment. If anyone would have asked me what I was looking at I would 9 out of 10 times say something like just thinking about This…or That..

It was just the way I learned to take everything in. With Brooklyn being my home it was always something different. A game of handball in the park, Someone playing chess on Ocean Parkway, or something as simple as a business man rushing to work. I watched hobos sleep in the subway or some doctor/nurse get home from work. I always knew people had opinions. Everyone has opinions and yet now in 2020 people I have learned can be very LOUD with those opinions.

I mean the very bases of this web site is my own opinion on this and that. So clearly it’s a different time to be the type of writer or whatever I am. Social media as it is can be at times this amazingly grand thing or it can be this amazingly terrible thing. I have witnessed both sides of it and for the most part I feel pretty open minded about most if it. What an amazing time to really be alive. If you have a question YOU CAN get an answer.

Doesn’t really have to be the Right answer but an answer none the less. With so many people speaking all at once it makes me wonder if maybe we have done something bad. To many voices…to many…voices…. SOUNDS CRAZY!!!

Didn’t they use to put people way for hearing to many voices? Yet here we are today with access to millions of voices. Facebook,twitter,Instagram,TicTok, and so on.. Pictures of this and that.. So many opinions yet so few facts about anything.

A VERY long time ago I started a joke with my mother. I told her I eat babies!! Hell it became one of those things that sort of defined my personality in some odd ways. Everyone knows it’s a joke and I still to this day find it very funny. However I do have to question the reality we live in right now that if someone researched my background without any context of knowing anything about me and read… ALEX…EATS BABIES!! How insane would it be for someone who doesn’t even know me to believe.. that as a fact…?

I have only ever been on this earth 37 years and I can tell you that building an opinion on someone whom you never met is stupid. Putting people in boxes.. IS STUPID.. saying someone is privileged is FUCKING STUPID without any context. Now if you want to categorize people based on polls or some mathematical statics you leave out a VAST part of the equation that can’t be added and that is time and place. Along with a million other variables that can not be just added to a already flawed equation.

I could easily come up with a billion examples on this but I won’t because the idea kinda sickness me to think anyone or any group of people would be so Naive to think themselves so self centered that they have the ANSWERS. Both enemies and would be friends have done this on more than one occasion in my life. Growing up in Brooklyn from grades 1 – 10 and even here in Orange County Grades 10 – 12 I can say I have seen many many a people even AFTER school.. do this.

I can’t judge people because I know a person will always do what they believe is right. Which at times if added to the masses might not be right. It could be just a stage of learning or perhaps something that was driven by a collection of ideas. Both wrong and right but it always comes from something or some place.

I still believe the word NEEDED.. is over used all the time. Humans are born with NEEDS.. YOU NEED.. TO EAT…BREATH..and sleep. How you do that is all optional after and is really opinion and comfort based. Some people live very uncomfortable but because they feed those needs do still live. Others do it too much and are on the other end of that.

Observation 207

I had planned on writing this a couple of weeks ago but oddly enough I just couldn’t pull the time or focus for it. Someone keeps distracting me..

“Looks over at kitten that is now… a cat named Pez!”

So Quarantine life!!! It’s finally become a thing everyone is focused on. In truth I can’t say much has changed for me since this entire thing started at the start of…March I want…to say..So it’s been what?….Two months…and what I have I learned?

What place do I even start? Okay so I had plans to see my older brother in the great state of Texas. That would be the first place that I can say my plans changed. I didn’t get to see my brother and even on the 3rd of May i’m still upset about that. Why? First I wanted see my brother whom I don’t think I get to see enough and very rarely get the opportunity (A word that will come up a great deal in this post) to have the time to see him. He works a job with crazy hours, I also do the same. So time was limited and it could have been a great time HAD THIS FUCKING VIRUS not done what it did.

At the time the numbers of deaths and cases kept rising and I felt it was ill advised to do any type of traveling. Funny to note… that the following Wednesday all of NY went into Lock down mode. They didn’t stop travel but ADVISED.. Against it. Which seems to have become a thing.

Every media source that I have in my life. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Youtube, and Discord all focused on this situation. People stayed home and continued to stay away from each other which is still .. currently.. in play. The problem or interesting part of it all was that I would come to find Very little..changed.. for me personally.

Not gonna lie as a almost 37 year old Adult my life before all this was pretty isolated in terms of what we gauge as communicable. I come to find out that this guy “ME” who started a job at 7.10 $/hr in 2004…Right out of High School is ESSENTIAL!! So what does that mean? Several things… I become the Test Rat for doing everything that Scientist warned us NOT TO DO .. But had to do because of the following..

Rent is still due.. Government never suspended it..So talks to my Landlord went as following.. If the Mortgage companies want the money..Rent is still due.. Bills are still due.. Credit card debit is still due.. FOOD.. still need to eat.. TOILET PAPER.. ODDLY ENOUGH.. still needed.. So to sum this all up FOR ME.. I still needed to work.

It went from .. Keep everything clean at night.. tooooooo .. No more Over Nights “We don’t make enough money to merit the hours”.. toooooooo… Work 40 hours during the day.. just keep everything clean.. tooooooo.. Plastic Glass between us and the customers… Sanitizer for hands every 20 or so minutes..Wash yo hands.. toooooooooooo.. Wear a mask to work… Lose 1$ a dollar an hour because you aren’t working night shift.. BUT GAIN.. 2$ an hour for hazard pay ONLY During the month of April.. Now extended tooooooo.. MAY..”So really just 1$ extra and hour…”..Gain all Incentive pay because we can’t be shopped because they can’t send out NINJAS toooo watch us.. but continuing doing what needs to be done regardless…

It has been great weather TWICE.. since this all started… No one in town on those days gives a fuck about the pandemic. People want to celebrate birthdays, ride boats, go fishing, and so on.. and who gives a fuck about who gets sick.. LIVE ONCE.. YOLO… Whatever the fuck that means!?…

How…is this.. Affecting you Alexander?… The good thing is I get to sleep at night… I guess.. Family is holding together nicely online.. Which is probably the highest of Highlights in all of this. Great concerts and community events online.. The Internet has proven to be a very cool place to be if you are someone who enjoys music and art. FINALLY CUT MY HAIR!! Finally got the shifts the way I want them.. 4 DAYS A week instead of 5.. Played the new Doom Eternal.. Doom 64 got released.. “Info on all that nonsense is here !! https://videogamesalexander.wordpress.com/“

The Negatives?… Every day I could get sick.. Im tip top now.. but that could change because people still think it’s more important to drink and play FUCKING LOTTERY .. than to isolate themselves. People have become more hostel.. “myself included”.. Dumb behavior has tripled “just from my own observations”… some don’t wear masks.. some just don’t give a fuck about anyone but themselves.. and yes I deal with those people.. Some are in total denial about the situation.. “it’s not real.. ignorance ignorance …ignorance”.. IQs are WITHOUT QUESTION..DOWN… Learning a great deal bout survival.. oh and no new comics are being made until this is over.. “THAT SUCKS PERSONALLY”… Can’t do my own laundry, Food shopping online is completely booked! Can’t see really see my family in a hug and have a beer kinda way.. I might actually take up drinking after all this is over.. and maybe on a good head start to do that more often now..

If ever a time in my life that I felt like ..maybe I SHOULD be doing drugs.. NOW IS THE TIME.. …now I say that because I have still TO THIS DAY.. NEVER DONE ANY DRUGS.. short of drinking with my brother and a hand full of people I call friends.. “Kinda a personal note I just thought to add in here”..

I am working on reorganizing my home.. “that’s a plus”.. am working on making new music.. “another plus!!”.. Keeping in contact with family which was never really an issue before …is still.. Not an issue.. Short of I work during the day now so .. it’s just odd for everyone..

I am tired of the situation.. my patents are at an all time LOW..just.. keeping my head high and hoping for the best for now..

Observation 206

I wake up and the first thing I always think “Every time”.. is what time is it? I take note of the time I went to sleep and the time I wake up. On average I can say I sleep 4 hours here and 4 hour there. Very rarely my body says Nope time to get more sleep. Maybe at best once every three months I will sleep for a straight 13 hours.

I took the last week off of work so I could go see my brother. Unfortunately those plans got cancelled and I was forced to stay home the entire time. I recognized a few things, Caught up with some tasks I wanted to catch up with here. Did a great deal more sleeping than I thought I was going too. Overall just relaxed and gave myself time to think about what I was doing with my life.

I can say with 100% certainty that I am a happy guy. My goals and my accomplishments are all tasks I feel like I can accomplish. I don’t have an ego about it I just have clear understanding that some stuff is in my control and some isn’t. While I would like to have more control over everything I know that no matter how much money I make or what Job I am doing somethings just aren’t going to go my way. THAT IS FATE…

Being discouraged was never a thing I thought much about. Everything in life has a point of view. Some people are going to look at me and see a guy who should want more or should be driving to do bigger things. Fact is I never really saw the point of pushing against what I can’t control. What exactly does that mean?

I know what it is to be sick. I have been sick in the past and I try really hard not to be sick in the future. I follow the steps and the rules as I understand them. I understand will power and the drive to get past the most uneven, unfair, and unjustified situations. It takes a serious mind to get those accomplishments done. I know the questions that will follow.. The why?

Why am I sick? Why does this hurt? Why me? What do I need to do to get out of this? It’s very much like playing chess. You need to understand the rules and put yourself into the best position possible as you see the opportunities open up. Now keep in mind you make those Opportunities by choosing to do what you do. However knowing each thought out position is important.

Getting back to how I started this.. Time comes a role piece in just starting the day because it’s a understanding point of what was done and what needs to be done between the now and the later. If you put yourself into the position to be around people at this point a number of things should be clear.

People are always going to be scared of what isn’t known to them. Some will be braver than others. Some don’t have control because the rules are made and nothing is going to change that. If you follow the rules and push to be elevated by those constructs you can accomplish anything. Thinking outside the box is important but knowing what the box is made of will get you out of it.

I have a very good sense of my future and I understand all to well my past. I fight hard to get everything I have. Emotionally and Physically everything gets tiring and you need to learn to rest. It is not weak to say you need more time or to say this is good enough for now I will figure out more later.

Observation 205

So far 2020 has been a lesson on my fears. Perhaps things have been far to good for my liking and this is just a touch of reality that was needed for me. I build a routine on my life and how things are supposed to go.

Wake up, work, do stuff, sleep and repeat

Yet what I have come to understand recently is that fear comes in two different categories. Fearing something cause you have a bases for it and fear something because you don’t know what will happen. The first one started this year with me.

I Started the year with the fear of my health. Having to go to the doctors for blood work. Now this doesn’t sound like anything serious at all but the lesson came regardless. The last two times I gave blood I almost passed out and fainted. For anyone who has ever done that or experienced it they can tell you IT SUCKS!!.. Also this is something new that my body does because either I was dehydrated the last two times I went or cause I hadn’t eaten and gotten enough sleep.

So this last time I learned from the fear.. SLEEP!! EAT!! DRINK LOTS OF WATER BEFORE GIVING BLAH… DUH!

That felt more like a internal thing and honestly looking back on it now much of that had to do with my health. This also brings us to the current state of fear I have. Which funny enough has to do my health also. However this has more to do with outside influence and less to do with experience.

Now at this point i’m not going to say the word everyone is talking about right because frankly i’m sick of hearing about it. However I will say it could potentially affect my lungs which has been in the past a problem I was born with. If I think about it now I am 100% sure I will have to face that problem again in the future maybe some 50 or 40 years down the line but still.. DOWN THE LINE…

I would rather not think about it right now. Yet it does hover around me the idea that somethings a person simply can’t change. Mortality isn’t something I really thought about at all during the ages of 1-27. Something changed after I turned 27 and it hit me pretty hard with a reality that things HAD TO CHANGE.

Eating habits, Looking after my activities, Routines and so on all became things I had to actually become self aware of. Which is kinda strange because before that it was eating Reeses cups and riding a bike to see my friends in Brooklyn.

Now it’s Leafy Greens, Yogurts, Fruits, Meats “In moderation” and MAYBE a Reeses cup once a month if I am feeling OH SO RISKY!!… It’s kinda odd how things happen but I guess that’s just life. The good, the bad and the between you are supposed to fall into.

I also must say I find it very interesting how during everything I have just now started to notice how Social Media has actually taken a part of my life. Don’t get me wrong I love twitter, Facbook “it helps connect my family”, and so on but yea.. Very strange that I never really even noticed how it happened. Normally I just observe things I enjoy.. Comics, Music, Video Games, NAKED LADIES AND SO ON!!! So yea the idea that while following all that I have some how become so aware of the world outside my door has me at a interesting pass I guess…

Perhaps a future Topic… Moderation needs to come to play with that also..

Observation 204

The mind is a funny thing to me. Personally I am always overthinking everything I do. So when it comes to something I DON’T want to do that I know I NEED to do my mind almost always takes a turn for the worst! I don’t really know what it is about thinking over the worst possibilities of things but I have as far as I can remember always been the one to do that.

It’s helped in some cases because 9 out of 10 times I prepare for the worst so in the case that the best thing happens I often am happily surprised. Recently “Today” I FINALLY gave my blood for the check up test that I really needed to get done.. “IT WAS OVER DUE BY 5 YEARS!!”….but what I FIND funny about myself is that in the weeks before the test I had this feeling in my stomach of total fear of concept. Not so much the blood test but the idea that I might pass out and how horrible I would feel after it all.

I pretty sure it was 99% fear of not wanting to feel great. Currently not even an hour after it’s done.. I feel AMAZING!! I mean yes I have to wait for the test results now but even for the sake of lets say something is wrong just the fact that I KNOW the why makes me overwhelmed with strength. I understand my body that much better now and my mind can be put at rest for all time on the concept of not knowing THE WHY!!?

For weeks the why was.. WHY THE HELL DID I ALMOST FAINT TWICE!!!? So as people do these days I googled the problem. Why do I faint while giving blood? The answers came as pure logic.

LACK OF SLEEP, LACK OF WATER, LACK OF FOOD!!

So I spent the last few weeks just keeping to a routine of drinking enough water, getting about as much sleep as I could and of course eating the right stuff for TODAY. Went with my mother “WHO IS THE BEST ON EARTH!” got it done in less than an hour and now here I am typing this nonsense out…

Of course I knew the feeling of completion would be the best “Which it is!”. It feels like I solved a really hard puzzle or finished something that took me weeks to figure out. No greater High!…to my knowledge.. but what I find the most interesting is that state of mind before all this. Why does my mind work the way it does? Why do I think the way I do? What the hell was it all about?

I think the biggest answer to all of it was the concept that I didn’t know. I feared because I wasn’t sure of the answer. In this life I am so sure of so many things but having something out of my control that I wasn’t sure of was really twisting my mind into a very strange place. It really makes me want to push myself to take risks. Not like..anything dangerous.. but to work into new ideas.. New Concepts.. perhaps see what the worst case senior could be…but without putting myself into danger.. Like how far can I push my body? Working out… how far can I run!!? How much weight can I actually lift “SAFELY”…. what are my limits?? How many Books can I read in the span of a year.. a month.. a week!!… So many things… so many things..

Observation 203

The older I get the more I become aware of the things can not do anymore. Working nights for 10 + years takes it’s tolls. Humans aren’t naturally nocturnal so I have had to change a few things in diet and how I treat myself.

Human maintained mind set both physically and spiritually. Depression sets in easy cause a chemical lack of vitamin D. So I started taking fish oil to maintain my heart and cholesterol. Also not bad for muscle pain. Ginko biloba for memory and a probiotic to keep it all clean. I keep trying to set myself up with a workout routine but my ability to keep to it is less than motivated.

I rarely go to the gym but have a exercise bike and some weights at home that help also. It’s funny cause while living in Brooklyn I rode my bike all over and never noticed the benefits. Living here I walk more but it’s not nearly the same.

The processes of aging becomes a topic I think about more and more. Time goes faster the older I get or at least the prospective of it. I have for the first time in awhile a blank state on things around me. I am finding myself surprised but what’s happening or happened.

Yet I still feel only slightly older mentally. All the things I loved are still all the things I love now. Music, comics, television and even my faith all remain the same. I wonder if that will change.

Observation 202

Recently I have been holding a feeling of dread. My mind has been focused on my health. It’s odd for me because really I feel great. Aside from occasional heart burn brought on by just being older I my mind has been scared. Perhaps seeing my sibling in the hospital, my mother being sick and likely cause I reduced the sugar in my life by more than 50%. Things are changing in my mind.

I set up an appointment for a check up on the 10th cause that was the soonest I could get. I am sure everything is fine but something in my mind is telling me to worry. It’s really my nature to do so. I worry about everything but really I was reading about how people whom drop sugar tend to go into this odd withdrawal. It makes your moods change dramatically. I think that has a big part to do with it.

On the plus side I am working out more and I do physically feel soooo much better now. I feel strong and capable. Just these moods suck. Working at night it does take its toll on everything I do. Chemicals in the brain react differently and rest while I know I don’t do it very well I found becomes welcome when I can. I am at the point in my life that I need to go for yearly check ups. It’s how aging works.

Advanced technology can be useful for age. I can think of a number of people whom wouldn’t be here right now if not for the 2020 state of things.i keep in mind that some day it will be 2040 and how far we will come I am sure it will be unthinkable to me. Yet the obstacles are still around me.

Political plays on the price of life and death. I have hope that the right people will be loud and logical about the whys.