Why have I been doing what I am doing lately?
A big part of it is stress I think. Work has changed, my worry about family, the normalization of the world is coming back. I interact with people daily and it’s because of my work. I’m finding myself in a place that is kind of like a box. For years I said this is what I wanted to do and this was how I wanted to keep control. However I’m now seeing that you can’t control everything.
We have limitations and it’s important that we understand that what we are doing is going to result in facts about our lives. I can say I went 38 years without doing drugs, I can say I went 38 years without having a Tattoo. Yet the result changes nothing about my personality. I want to keep my head clear and I think that I have done very well for myself.
Having this new perception of time and what I am doing is interesting to me because it mixes up ideas I have had. I still don’t justify the behavior and even more so now I think it’s without question a escape from something deep in our minds that we can’t or don’t want to face. It’s without question a bandage and that has never changed in my mind. As a matter a fact I am more sure of it now than ever. Not going to lie I’m kind of proud of that fact even with the lack of experience.
So I do stand by my stances as before it’s just never going to be something I am going to fall into or find any kind of answers from. It’s an experience I’m glad it’s over with and I don’t think I can learn anymore from it. However coming back to how I started this.. STRESS…
I have always lived in my head. Always had comic books, video games, my art to fall back on. The problem is I don’t think I care as much about that stuff anymore. I still love it of course but I don’t think it fills me the way it was. Maybe it’s chemical and apart of my aging but some of it feels like I have little to nothing to fall back on with it.
Like I have done it all before and I already know the path it’s going to go into. Very little surprises me now and a big part of that I am sure is just experience. Living in my head has always been dangerous but I feel it physically now and I think some of it is just dealing with the changes. At 16 you are always changing that is just how the body works. At 38 you fear it more because in a mathematical way you are close to 50 than 20.
I am sure more can be said about it just need time to think about it more.
So I took half of what I took last time and this time I’m listening to music. I’m finding it super interesting that I have listened to this album a million times yet for some reason it sounds super different. Songs seem longer, words are coming out very clear. The parts of guitar strings and drums seem very clear. Like I can only focus on one sound at a time which is kind of strange. Parts are all mixed up also. The energy coming from the sound I can sort of picture. So I guess yea my perception of everything is very off. Time is doing that odd thing with the music where it’s dragging parts. So interesting…I’m finding the weight is changing now. The music is making all the words fall in different times. All the sections are out of word also.
Albums I went between..
The weekend, Cradle of Filth, NofX, Wu Tang Clan..
I went to lay down cause my stomach hurt. Forgot I didn’t eat anything today before the candy and ended up having a panic attack and got sick. Took a shower watched some anime with megan and passed out. I still kinda feel it now but not nearly as bad. Just feels strange still…but deff coming down.
At this very moment.. I’m high and this is the first time in 38 years that I am starting to question time. It feels like my brain was a puzzle and someone took a box and shook it up. Minutes go by like seconds. .. seconds hours. I go in and out of times in such a strange way. Because it feels like some moments are paused than try to play catch up. I understand what people are saying and than it’s like they speed up. Sound have become this moving thing. Like I can hear foot steps before the feet actually pass my head. If anything stands behind me or moves it feels like it’s really really still. Silence is a little scary also because when things stop they really stop…..like….nothing…everything behind me or in the room just keeps pausing….than moving.. This will be very very INTERESTING TO READ LATER ON LMAO!!
I just opened my lady death Kickstarter. Everything is still strange with time. Also I think I keep repeating myself. I had a hard time with the wraping paper and the layard that came in this set.I sorted thru the buttons and stickers very slowly. Sound is coming really strangely. It starts… stops…and parts of time go and stop inbetween. I’m trying to focus now..but it’s super strange. Doing one thing doesn’t mean I have done it right now. I could do something and it might have happened 10 minutes ago…but I’m only relizing it’s happening Now. It’s super strange. I keep forgetting things also. Like I was doing something … stop…. than i’m doing something else….stop… and back to that other thing again.
started playing blasphemous and its really goood. just made breakfast eggs and kelbasa and I don’t remember doing it. Parts of everything is still mixed up. What an interesting feeling. I don’t remember cooking. Some parts I do remember… like mixing the eggs with the cheese… but it’s odd because it seems out of place. still don’t know where kabal is…? found him on megans table.woot
Thinking back on the garage with shawn and dad. Shawn for some reason kept standing in place… and not moving… it was super strange because shortly after..my dad started doing it also.. like it would seem like he was just stairing at me for moments at a time… but like..time stopped..like someone had paused everything..