Why have I been doing what I am doing lately?
A big part of it is stress I think. Work has changed, my worry about family, the normalization of the world is coming back. I interact with people daily and it’s because of my work. I’m finding myself in a place that is kind of like a box. For years I said this is what I wanted to do and this was how I wanted to keep control. However I’m now seeing that you can’t control everything.
We have limitations and it’s important that we understand that what we are doing is going to result in facts about our lives. I can say I went 38 years without doing drugs, I can say I went 38 years without having a Tattoo. Yet the result changes nothing about my personality. I want to keep my head clear and I think that I have done very well for myself.
Having this new perception of time and what I am doing is interesting to me because it mixes up ideas I have had. I still don’t justify the behavior and even more so now I think it’s without question a escape from something deep in our minds that we can’t or don’t want to face. It’s without question a bandage and that has never changed in my mind. As a matter a fact I am more sure of it now than ever. Not going to lie I’m kind of proud of that fact even with the lack of experience.
So I do stand by my stances as before it’s just never going to be something I am going to fall into or find any kind of answers from. It’s an experience I’m glad it’s over with and I don’t think I can learn anymore from it. However coming back to how I started this.. STRESS…
I have always lived in my head. Always had comic books, video games, my art to fall back on. The problem is I don’t think I care as much about that stuff anymore. I still love it of course but I don’t think it fills me the way it was. Maybe it’s chemical and apart of my aging but some of it feels like I have little to nothing to fall back on with it.
Like I have done it all before and I already know the path it’s going to go into. Very little surprises me now and a big part of that I am sure is just experience. Living in my head has always been dangerous but I feel it physically now and I think some of it is just dealing with the changes. At 16 you are always changing that is just how the body works. At 38 you fear it more because in a mathematical way you are close to 50 than 20.
I am sure more can be said about it just need time to think about it more.