Observation 181

Fuck I thought I would be at 200 by now but I haven’t been able to focus the way I thought I would. To much happening all to fast but at least now I finally have a second to reflect.

The last couple of weekends I have been able to spend a great deal of time with family. My siblings went to the Coney Island Wu tang show and it was probably the best time I have had in a long long time. I have noticed I don’t show much emotion at those things. I kinda just take in the moments and really it reflects more as observer more than anything. I am not much a dancer and I am horrible at remembering lyrics until I hear the songs beats.

Regardless it was a great time and I think I needed it more than anything I can come to think of this entire year. The following weekend I went back to Coney again with my sister and my two nephews. It was also a great time and I managed to get a good sun burn on my face because of it. It’s already held so I guess it wasn’t so bad…hehe..

Work has doubled as it does every summer and people are out and about more. The heat has just barely started to rise and with it as it always does every summer people get crazy. I am trying very hard the last couple of nights to not scream at people. Right now I am thinking how the hell do I hold my patients with people? How do I not say “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?”… No some how I just do my job.. I smile and I come home and write in this place.

This has become my space for venting and just random thoughts. I can’t even say how many times I have attempted to write a book or books.. but never finish.. But I think I got a good idea this time for a book.. and I might actually do it this time. It keeps me at peace thinking that I might do it. Another year and this time I am 36 years old now. What comes next?

I know at this point all the rules and how the world works. I know what I can push myself to do. I just have to keep pushing and hoping that the best stuff is still to come. It’s not easy but we all continue to try.

Observation 180

If you had a chance to sit down and talk to the person whom stood in your skin about 20 years ago what would you say? Hell what would that situation be like at all? Would it be like looking in a mirror or would it be like looking at someone you have never meet?

In less than 24 hours I will be 36 years old. In less than a month I will have worked my current job for 10 straight years. It will have been exactly 6 months and 9 years that I have been with my Megan. I will have completed just short of 20 post till 200 on this site and my state of mind is and will continue to be at it’s best place in all that. I can say that I am in complete control of my destiny and the fates that be. I can say that everything that has come before me has been my doing and NO ONE else.

Life has it’s ups and it’s downs without a question. Since birth I have had to deal with struggling just to breath. I KNOW the importance of fighting to get what you want and fighting just struggle for comfort. I have tried very hard to get to the place I am at and the only question I have now is.. What to do next? I have options and places I want to go..with time I will get to that.

My work is far from done and while I remain in a place I am comfortable with I am also left with wonder like everyone else. What ..comes next? WHO’S NEXT?..WHAT’S NEXT?.. possibility is great and terrifying.. I look forward to that much.