Why have I been doing what I am doing lately?
A big part of it is stress I think. Work has changed, my worry about family, the normalization of the world is coming back. I interact with people daily and it’s because of my work. I’m finding myself in a place that is kind of like a box. For years I said this is what I wanted to do and this was how I wanted to keep control. However I’m now seeing that you can’t control everything.
We have limitations and it’s important that we understand that what we are doing is going to result in facts about our lives. I can say I went 38 years without doing drugs, I can say I went 38 years without having a Tattoo. Yet the result changes nothing about my personality. I want to keep my head clear and I think that I have done very well for myself.
Having this new perception of time and what I am doing is interesting to me because it mixes up ideas I have had. I still don’t justify the behavior and even more so now I think it’s without question a escape from something deep in our minds that we can’t or don’t want to face. It’s without question a bandage and that has never changed in my mind. As a matter a fact I am more sure of it now than ever. Not going to lie I’m kind of proud of that fact even with the lack of experience.
So I do stand by my stances as before it’s just never going to be something I am going to fall into or find any kind of answers from. It’s an experience I’m glad it’s over with and I don’t think I can learn anymore from it. However coming back to how I started this.. STRESS…
I have always lived in my head. Always had comic books, video games, my art to fall back on. The problem is I don’t think I care as much about that stuff anymore. I still love it of course but I don’t think it fills me the way it was. Maybe it’s chemical and apart of my aging but some of it feels like I have little to nothing to fall back on with it.
Like I have done it all before and I already know the path it’s going to go into. Very little surprises me now and a big part of that I am sure is just experience. Living in my head has always been dangerous but I feel it physically now and I think some of it is just dealing with the changes. At 16 you are always changing that is just how the body works. At 38 you fear it more because in a mathematical way you are close to 50 than 20.
I am sure more can be said about it just need time to think about it more.
So I took half of what I took last time and this time I’m listening to music. I’m finding it super interesting that I have listened to this album a million times yet for some reason it sounds super different. Songs seem longer, words are coming out very clear. The parts of guitar strings and drums seem very clear. Like I can only focus on one sound at a time which is kind of strange. Parts are all mixed up also. The energy coming from the sound I can sort of picture. So I guess yea my perception of everything is very off. Time is doing that odd thing with the music where it’s dragging parts. So interesting…I’m finding the weight is changing now. The music is making all the words fall in different times. All the sections are out of word also.
Albums I went between..
The weekend, Cradle of Filth, NofX, Wu Tang Clan..
I went to lay down cause my stomach hurt. Forgot I didn’t eat anything today before the candy and ended up having a panic attack and got sick. Took a shower watched some anime with megan and passed out. I still kinda feel it now but not nearly as bad. Just feels strange still…but deff coming down.
At this very moment.. I’m high and this is the first time in 38 years that I am starting to question time. It feels like my brain was a puzzle and someone took a box and shook it up. Minutes go by like seconds. .. seconds hours. I go in and out of times in such a strange way. Because it feels like some moments are paused than try to play catch up. I understand what people are saying and than it’s like they speed up. Sound have become this moving thing. Like I can hear foot steps before the feet actually pass my head. If anything stands behind me or moves it feels like it’s really really still. Silence is a little scary also because when things stop they really stop…..like….nothing…everything behind me or in the room just keeps pausing….than moving.. This will be very very INTERESTING TO READ LATER ON LMAO!!
I just opened my lady death Kickstarter. Everything is still strange with time. Also I think I keep repeating myself. I had a hard time with the wraping paper and the layard that came in this set.I sorted thru the buttons and stickers very slowly. Sound is coming really strangely. It starts… stops…and parts of time go and stop inbetween. I’m trying to focus now..but it’s super strange. Doing one thing doesn’t mean I have done it right now. I could do something and it might have happened 10 minutes ago…but I’m only relizing it’s happening Now. It’s super strange. I keep forgetting things also. Like I was doing something … stop…. than i’m doing something else….stop… and back to that other thing again.
started playing blasphemous and its really goood. just made breakfast eggs and kelbasa and I don’t remember doing it. Parts of everything is still mixed up. What an interesting feeling. I don’t remember cooking. Some parts I do remember… like mixing the eggs with the cheese… but it’s odd because it seems out of place. still don’t know where kabal is…? found him on megans table.woot
Thinking back on the garage with shawn and dad. Shawn for some reason kept standing in place… and not moving… it was super strange because shortly after..my dad started doing it also.. like it would seem like he was just stairing at me for moments at a time… but like..time stopped..like someone had paused everything..
I’m finding myself almost at 38 years old saying why not a lot. In the past I would say I have to much to do and not enough time, while that hasn’t changed I am finding that I should be doing things I put off. Making myself happy has always been a focus but really pushing the why not is something I never really pursued.
It started with my examination at what I enjoy. I love love love mortal kombat and for years I knew some people enjoyed competing with one another at it. So when the chance came to do it with over 600 viewers watching.. I said why not!! To my surprise it became an addiction almost. I loved the feeling of learning to better my gameplay and honestly came to understand I’m better than I thought I was. It was a rush and fun chance to get involved with people who are passionate about something I’m passionate about. So I’m glad I did it and am glad to continue doing it. The next step was to try new things. Nothing dangerous but close to the same vein of that passion and again say.. why not. So I took some thought into things I said I wanted to do but never found the time and just did it. Now I can say I have an awesome tattoo on my arm that I’m super proud of and I tried something with family for first time in my life that really.. wasn’t anything I’m impressed with at all…hehe..but maybe need to try again in the future with the same people but..alittle more of??
Who knows.. all I know is I like this why not adjustment to my current state and plan to keep pushing myself in a positive position with it.
For the last 12 years I have worked the nightshift. It’s changed my entire life in odd ways I didn’t think about before doing it. The 1 am – 3am silence that hush this small New York town feels like a familiar friend. Soon I’ll say good bye and hello to mornings again full of sun light and hotter temperatures. Normal people who go to work rather than drinks and drug addicts,sad and often aggressive.
Next chapter in responsibility but not alone. I’ll have co workers and I can actually see family without being to tired to think of something to say. Part of me is happy the other curious about the changes.
I think it will all be for the best.
I have always liked the idea of a Republican. The concept that someone can work from the bottom build up to the top and trickle the money down based on the hard work put into it. That the money given to the top ideas and hardest workers will show favor to those below to build upon for the better of all. The problem with that all is that humans don’t think this way. People have a habit of making more and wanting more from it.
If I make 13 an hour I can live in a 13 an hour home. If I make 50 the same will follow.
For along time I thought it was greed that caused this to happen and while greed is part of it that isn’t the complete answer in my opinion. Comfort and luxury become an aspect that steps in the picture in a sneaky snarky way. Why walk 10 minutes when you can bike in 5 minute? Why bike when you can drive? Why drive when you can pay someone who knows exactly how to get to your destination better than you and faster?
The same can be applied to everything we do or think we can. Bigger and better is after all the American way!? We need to do everything comfortably, safe and in a mass production. We have been raised to show off our gold even to those with no gold at all. Sure it sounds wrong but it’s also something we have all been raised to believe in. Media has a big part in that sure but even without it as a hunter gather species we are always looking for that comfort. I believe it’s in our nature to do so.
At birth we grow into those instincts for hunger, comfort, and we drive to feed it. I’m not sure what the main purpose is but something about it is comforting. I look around the home I have built for myself and I understand that most of the stuff I spend my time doing is to gather a collection of items I enjoy. I find comfort in it. I enjoy my writing, my comics, my video games, my toys. For me they are memories and just give me a wave of warmth and joy. How much of it builds upon my personality.
It’s silly cause I’m silly and much of it is a reflection on me but one thing I can say for sure about it all is that I’m over all a happy guy. I like what I have and I understand the build for the position of growth. Yet getting back to the main problem I started with. I believe in the structure of a republican but I know it doesn’t work due to the nature of how people are driven.
We want better for our children than we want for ourselves. Same as our parents before us and we struggle with the ups and downs same as those before us. It’s just a master of prospective and what nature sends our way.
The last few days have been a series of events that have gone by very quickly. Maybe it’s just been the beginning of the year or my age getting the best of me but damn I can’t believe how fast this month is already over. Went for my yearly check up and I am pretty tip top so far.
Trying to just get myself all settled into what is to come. Don’t really have any plans for this year but as with everything it will come with it’s highs and lows as life does. Clearly coming up with something to say right now is a bit.. off.. hmmm
Let’s hope for the best!
One of the biggest problems I have is overthinking everything. I have always been this way and really till I was about 29 it wasn’t a problem. Sure it would prevent me from doing a list of stupid things that teenagers/young adults do when I was younger yet I did manage to do enough stupid things that I can say those years of exploration were pretty successful in terms of growth. I questioned things and often I did so in a manor that allowed me to experience some great stuff and some not so great stuff.
Currently now in my late 30s I find that in the last 3 years I have found a new level to it and it’s causing some serious issues related to anxiety. A number of things I have learned to prevent it such as changing my diet, planning mental exercises and reviewing my actions in detail “yes often with pen and paper” has helped. From my understanding stress and aging will do that to a person. Now keep in mind I am also the most grounded person I know. I very very rarely drink, still haven’t done any drugs that weren’t given to me by a Doctor “at this point still basically nothing short of breathing meds when I was 9”. Much like a coin it goes both ways thou.
I don’t often read the news “thou because I work in public I have an ear for what is happening around me”. I do my best to keep myself from involving any of my personal issues with others. This year has made me very health paranoid. So every sneeze, cough or muscle pain I freak out over. I completely stopped drinking caffeine as I have learned it makes my mental state horrible. My diet has gotten better but I still fall flat on a number of things that I think I can do better but again.. because of stress I often let that go out the window. I believe I continue to try like everyone around me to fight the battle of life as best I CAN.
I do give myself credit for that much. I am always trying to do better and I have a complete and real awareness that I am not getting any younger. So far my work and FATE has been good to me. I have played the game well enough. Another year is coming and I don’t know what will happen as with every year before it. Just have to roll with the punches and keep the blocks up. Truth to it all is that I CAN look back on the last 37 and half years and say I did my best.. it was great.. and I want to see the next 37 years with just as much hope.
I know now as fact by my actions previously proving that I am smart, capable and undeniably stubborn about what I choose to do with myself. It hasn’t been easy and I never expected it to be. I have made it fun and I want to continue to make it as fun as it can be.
Let’s hope 2021 is better than 2020.
So as of recently I started some Video Observations which can be found on the Media tabs above /\. I’m okay with the two that I have up so far. Think some more development on my set up needs to be done but over all it’s exactly what I want it to be. Me just speaking my mind about just random stuff. I planned to do another today but because of work I think it will have to wait till either tonight or tomorrow morning.
Thanksgiving was an interesting day this year. It was 100% Digital with the family and if anything a true sign of the times. We are living in the future as far as I can tell. I spent the entire day with my family…without…spending the entire day with them… SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Strange but it turned out great and I am over all happy with how it all went down. Safe, secure, and without any worry. This pandemic really got me thinking about my health and the health of those around me a great deal. I worry more than I know I should it’s just my nature I guess.
In terms of everything else it seems we are back into lockdown mode. My job hasn’t changed much yet but the customers are slowing down as they do this time of year. Not really sure if that is just the time of year or some other source. Probably a combination of both. Over all I have no complaints about it so I guess we will see what happens in the future.
ONE MORE MONTH LEFT FOR THIS YEAR!! LETS HOPE IT’S A GOOD ENDING!
So before I go on here I want to point out a couple of things. First I took off the song of the day tab on this site because it was become far to difficult to keep up with. HOWEVER.. I just started a NEW TAB on the top called THE PROGRESSION OF ALEXANDER. You click that and you can read post about my life. I figured I would add a bit of personal stuff on what I am doing?! Things like Book, Comic book reading, Video games, Movies and YES Music will be added on that! So far it’s only a couple of post.. each is divided by TIMES so yea.. fun fun
On with the show here.. Clearly Winter is coming.. The weather is getting colder the days are getting darker and I think my job is going to change again back to Day shifts. I could be totally wrong as I am not in control of that aspect of what is happening but I just don’t see as many people as we had last year. Business is down for everyone but that doesn’t mean I am not keeping busy. I have been keep myself steady with the work. Refining and so far so good! Good conversations about how to deal with the virus and so on.
We continue to deal with everything in the best way we can. I am feeling over all good. TIRED… but good. Just trying to figure out how to get past another coming month. Can’t believe it’s almost October and the year is almost DONE! I have a few things I am looking forward tooooooo! Hopefully it all pans out and I am keeping my head up for now..