Observation 224

You pick up the controller and turn on the console. Already you can feel the rush of adrenaline start to pick up. You go to the menu and load up the game. Find the room POW!! You’re at the start of a BrutalityBowl Match!

https://www.twitch.tv/brutalitybowl

I have only been doing competitive matches for about a year now. Honestly I wasn’t even that sure I was ever going to do it because of the pressure that comes with it. Funny enough I started on one of the most difficult channels and slowly found my way to places that always made me feel welcome. The people that I have met and the community has been nothing short of a blessing to be apart of.

Last night I won my match 3-2 and let me say it was HARD to do it!

https://www.twitch.tv/videos/1168501784?t=1h40m46s

I respect the skills of everyone I play. I respect the hosts! It’s always a great environment and fun! I will continue to improve and will continue to follow the community for all it is!

Observation 223

Twenty years ago an eighteen year old kid from Brooklyn, NY would wake up with his mother and get ready for school like he did everyday. Wake up, brush teeth, and get dressed to return to the madness that was James Madison High school. I say madness because it was overpopulated, large and most of the time the 45 minute classes would take 30 minutes just to shut up so that the teachers could give us our work and let us continue on to the next class.

My mother whom also had to work at a nursing home was also getting ready to go. She would drive me down kings highway in a Lincoln that to today’s standards for cars would drive more like a tank than a car. We would stop just before we reached the school at McDonald’s. I would order my regular mcgriddle.. or was it a cherry cheese Danish from the bagel store around the corner? I don’t remember exactly but I know it was one of the two because it was always one of the two. My mom and I would have a conversation about this and that. She would turn the corner and drop me off so I could join the hurdes of teenagers with there hormel minds ready to start another day. We would all be slow in the morning and just getting thru the metal detectors was all everyone wanted to do. So fast to just find a seat in the auditorium and wait for the bell to ring to move to our first class. Mine would be my resource room which was kinda a gods send to me in the morning because whatever work I didn’t finish at home I tried to figure out during that 45 minutes.

At 8:46 AM the first plane would hit one of the towers. Now keep in mind this was before cell phones and social media. Yes we had AOL but things just weren’t that fast yet. While I worked do my papers one of the teachers would rush into the class room and turn on a small radio in the back of the class by the gateswindows. No one knew what the hell was happening all we were told was that a plane crashed into one of the towers and everyone was to stay in there classes. About 5 minutes after the teachers started listening to the radio the fire alarms would go off. Everyone in the building was to leave and wait outside as we always did for firedrills.

A few moments later teaches would be walking down each of the streets screaming “All students are to return home right now!” Of course being excited teenager my focus was on my friends. Students scrambled to find each other. I could have just walked home but the most logical thing I could think of to do was to go to my friend Lauren’s house because she lived closer to the school than me and I knew I could use her phone to call home. As I walked I looked over to the parked cars and noticed.. ash.. ash was raining down on everything like snow. Still having no clue what to do I got to the phone at Lauren’s and called my mother. She told me to go directly home which I did.

I walked down ocean parkway towards Avenue P and east 2nd. The roads held a silence. Nothing was moving at all. Brooklyn never did that! Yet what I came to find out was all the buses and trains stopped moving. If you didnt walk some place you weren’t going any place. The few cars I did see on the roads were cop cars, ambulances and fire trucks.

Over the course of the next few days the news at the time would search for answers. Lots of different ideas came to be told. My sister would be trapped on the island of Manhattan. Nothing was going in or out of the island.

Later on I would go to the rooftop of my best friend melvins home and there i would findCarlos. We looked at the city and noticed a giant gray cloud of smoke consumed the entire center of the city. We knew it was bad but seeing it like that with so many questions felt like we had been placed in a sci fi film. It was a strange time..

Honestly thinking back I find it hard to beileve that was 20 years ago. yet it was.. hmm

Observation 222

Why have I been doing what I am doing lately?

A big part of it is stress I think. Work has changed, my worry about family, the normalization of the world is coming back. I interact with people daily and it’s because of my work. I’m finding myself in a place that is kind of like a box. For years I said this is what I wanted to do and this was how I wanted to keep control. However I’m now seeing that you can’t control everything.

We have limitations and it’s important that we understand that what we are doing is going to result in facts about our lives. I can say I went 38 years without doing drugs, I can say I went 38 years without having a Tattoo. Yet the result changes nothing about my personality. I want to keep my head clear and I think that I have done very well for myself.

Having this new perception of time and what I am doing is interesting to me because it mixes up ideas I have had. I still don’t justify the behavior and even more so now I think it’s without question a escape from something deep in our minds that we can’t or don’t want to face. It’s without question a bandage and that has never changed in my mind. As a matter a fact I am more sure of it now than ever. Not going to lie I’m kind of proud of that fact even with the lack of experience.

So I do stand by my stances as before it’s just never going to be something I am going to fall into or find any kind of answers from. It’s an experience I’m glad it’s over with and I don’t think I can learn anymore from it. However coming back to how I started this.. STRESS…

I have always lived in my head. Always had comic books, video games, my art to fall back on. The problem is I don’t think I care as much about that stuff anymore. I still love it of course but I don’t think it fills me the way it was. Maybe it’s chemical and apart of my aging but some of it feels like I have little to nothing to fall back on with it.

Like I have done it all before and I already know the path it’s going to go into. Very little surprises me now and a big part of that I am sure is just experience. Living in my head has always been dangerous but I feel it physically now and I think some of it is just dealing with the changes. At 16 you are always changing that is just how the body works. At 38 you fear it more because in a mathematical way you are close to 50 than 20.

I am sure more can be said about it just need time to think about it more.

Observation 221..Second trip..

So I took half of what I took last time and this time I’m listening to music. I’m finding it super interesting that I have listened to this album a million times yet for some reason it sounds super different. Songs seem longer, words are coming out very clear. The parts of guitar strings and drums seem very clear. Like I can only focus on one sound at a time which is kind of strange. Parts are all mixed up also. The energy coming from the sound I can sort of picture. So I guess yea my perception of everything is very off. Time is doing that odd thing with the music where it’s dragging parts. So interesting…I’m finding the weight is changing now. The music is making all the words fall in different times. All the sections are out of word also.

Albums I went between..

The weekend, Cradle of Filth, NofX, Wu Tang Clan..

I went to lay down cause my stomach hurt. Forgot I didn’t eat anything today before the candy and ended up having a panic attack and got sick. Took a shower watched some anime with megan and passed out. I still kinda feel it now but not nearly as bad. Just feels strange still…but deff coming down.

Observation 220….HIGH!

At this very moment.. I’m high and this is the first time in 38 years that I am starting to question time. It feels like my brain was a puzzle and someone took a box and shook it up. Minutes go by like seconds. .. seconds hours. I go in and out of times in such a strange way. Because it feels like some moments are paused than try to play catch up. I understand what people are saying and than it’s like they speed up. Sound have become this moving thing. Like I can hear foot steps before the feet actually pass my head. If anything stands behind me or moves it feels like it’s really really still. Silence is a little scary also because when things stop they really stop…..like….nothing…everything behind me or in the room just keeps pausing….than moving.. This will be very very INTERESTING TO READ LATER ON LMAO!!

I just opened my lady death Kickstarter. Everything is still strange with time. Also I think I keep repeating myself. I had a hard time with the wraping paper and the layard that came in this set.I sorted thru the buttons and stickers very slowly. Sound is coming really strangely. It starts… stops…and parts of time go and stop inbetween. I’m trying to focus now..but it’s super strange. Doing one thing doesn’t mean I have done it right now. I could do something and it might have happened 10 minutes ago…but I’m only relizing it’s happening Now. It’s super strange. I keep forgetting things also. Like I was doing something … stop…. than i’m doing something else….stop… and back to that other thing again.

started playing blasphemous and its really goood. just made breakfast eggs and kelbasa and I don’t remember doing it. Parts of everything is still mixed up. What an interesting feeling. I don’t remember cooking. Some parts I do remember… like mixing the eggs with the cheese… but it’s odd because it seems out of place. still don’t know where kabal is…? found him on megans table.woot
Thinking back on the garage with shawn and dad. Shawn for some reason kept standing in place… and not moving… it was super strange because shortly after..my dad started doing it also.. like it would seem like he was just stairing at me for moments at a time… but like..time stopped..like someone had paused everything..

Observation 219

I’m finding myself almost at 38 years old saying why not a lot. In the past I would say I have to much to do and not enough time, while that hasn’t changed I am finding that I should be doing things I put off. Making myself happy has always been a focus but really pushing the why not is something I never really pursued.

It started with my examination at what I enjoy. I love love love mortal kombat and for years I knew some people enjoyed competing with one another at it. So when the chance came to do it with over 600 viewers watching.. I said why not!! To my surprise it became an addiction almost. I loved the feeling of learning to better my gameplay and honestly came to understand I’m better than I thought I was. It was a rush and fun chance to get involved with people who are passionate about something I’m passionate about. So I’m glad I did it and am glad to continue doing it. The next step was to try new things. Nothing dangerous but close to the same vein of that passion and again say.. why not. So I took some thought into things I said I wanted to do but never found the time and just did it. Now I can say I have an awesome tattoo on my arm that I’m super proud of and I tried something with family for first time in my life that really.. wasn’t anything I’m impressed with at all…hehe..but maybe need to try again in the future with the same people but..alittle more of??

Who knows.. all I know is I like this why not adjustment to my current state and plan to keep pushing myself in a positive position with it.

Observation 218

For the last 12 years I have worked the nightshift. It’s changed my entire life in odd ways I didn’t think about before doing it. The 1 am – 3am silence that hush this small New York town feels like a familiar friend. Soon I’ll say good bye and hello to mornings again full of sun light and hotter temperatures. Normal people who go to work rather than drinks and drug addicts,sad and often aggressive.

Next chapter in responsibility but not alone. I’ll have co workers and I can actually see family without being to tired to think of something to say. Part of me is happy the other curious about the changes.

I think it will all be for the best.

Observation 217

I have always liked the idea of a Republican. The concept that someone can work from the bottom build up to the top and trickle the money down based on the hard work put into it. That the money given to the top ideas and hardest workers will show favor to those below to build upon for the better of all. The problem with that all is that humans don’t think this way. People have a habit of making more and wanting more from it.

If I make 13 an hour I can live in a 13 an hour home. If I make 50 the same will follow.

For along time I thought it was greed that caused this to happen and while greed is part of it that isn’t the complete answer in my opinion. Comfort and luxury become an aspect that steps in the picture in a sneaky snarky way. Why walk 10 minutes when you can bike in 5 minute? Why bike when you can drive? Why drive when you can pay someone who knows exactly how to get to your destination better than you and faster?

The same can be applied to everything we do or think we can. Bigger and better is after all the American way!? We need to do everything comfortably, safe and in a mass production. We have been raised to show off our gold even to those with no gold at all. Sure it sounds wrong but it’s also something we have all been raised to believe in. Media has a big part in that sure but even without it as a hunter gather species we are always looking for that comfort. I believe it’s in our nature to do so.

At birth we grow into those instincts for hunger, comfort, and we drive to feed it. I’m not sure what the main purpose is but something about it is comforting. I look around the home I have built for myself and I understand that most of the stuff I spend my time doing is to gather a collection of items I enjoy. I find comfort in it. I enjoy my writing, my comics, my video games, my toys. For me they are memories and just give me a wave of warmth and joy. How much of it builds upon my personality.

It’s silly cause I’m silly and much of it is a reflection on me but one thing I can say for sure about it all is that I’m over all a happy guy. I like what I have and I understand the build for the position of growth. Yet getting back to the main problem I started with. I believe in the structure of a republican but I know it doesn’t work due to the nature of how people are driven.

We want better for our children than we want for ourselves. Same as our parents before us and we struggle with the ups and downs same as those before us. It’s just a master of prospective and what nature sends our way.

Observation 216

The last few days have been a series of events that have gone by very quickly. Maybe it’s just been the beginning of the year or my age getting the best of me but damn I can’t believe how fast this month is already over. Went for my yearly check up and I am pretty tip top so far.

Trying to just get myself all settled into what is to come. Don’t really have any plans for this year but as with everything it will come with it’s highs and lows as life does. Clearly coming up with something to say right now is a bit.. off.. hmmm

Let’s hope for the best!

Observation 215

One of the biggest problems I have is overthinking everything. I have always been this way and really till I was about 29 it wasn’t a problem. Sure it would prevent me from doing a list of stupid things that teenagers/young adults do when I was younger yet I did manage to do enough stupid things that I can say those years of exploration were pretty successful in terms of growth. I questioned things and often I did so in a manor that allowed me to experience some great stuff and some not so great stuff.

Currently now in my late 30s I find that in the last 3 years I have found a new level to it and it’s causing some serious issues related to anxiety. A number of things I have learned to prevent it such as changing my diet, planning mental exercises and reviewing my actions in detail “yes often with pen and paper” has helped. From my understanding stress and aging will do that to a person. Now keep in mind I am also the most grounded person I know. I very very rarely drink, still haven’t done any drugs that weren’t given to me by a Doctor “at this point still basically nothing short of breathing meds when I was 9”. Much like a coin it goes both ways thou.

I don’t often read the news “thou because I work in public I have an ear for what is happening around me”. I do my best to keep myself from involving any of my personal issues with others. This year has made me very health paranoid. So every sneeze, cough or muscle pain I freak out over. I completely stopped drinking caffeine as I have learned it makes my mental state horrible. My diet has gotten better but I still fall flat on a number of things that I think I can do better but again.. because of stress I often let that go out the window. I believe I continue to try like everyone around me to fight the battle of life as best I CAN.

I do give myself credit for that much. I am always trying to do better and I have a complete and real awareness that I am not getting any younger. So far my work and FATE has been good to me. I have played the game well enough. Another year is coming and I don’t know what will happen as with every year before it. Just have to roll with the punches and keep the blocks up. Truth to it all is that I CAN look back on the last 37 and half years and say I did my best.. it was great.. and I want to see the next 37 years with just as much hope.

I know now as fact by my actions previously proving that I am smart, capable and undeniably stubborn about what I choose to do with myself. It hasn’t been easy and I never expected it to be. I have made it fun and I want to continue to make it as fun as it can be.

Let’s hope 2021 is better than 2020.