Observation 186

Normally the first thing I would be doing after work is playing some matches of Mortal Kombat 11. However today I am trying something different. While I write this I am streaming on TWITCH.TV for the First time. I was hoping that this would spark some sort of motivation for a topic but so far it’s just me being silly on cam… and writing this.. HAAAAAAAAA To No one but that’s ok.. cause it’s 5AM EST… who the hell is going to be up right now anyway!

The past week has been a kinda interesting one in that Walmart from what I have heard is cracking down on Violent Video Game Advertisements. Yet also doing nothing about the sales of actual Weapons. Kinda funny… You can use a gun in real life but don’t you dare think about shooting Super Mario!! I also find it kinda funny that while everyone wants to make the case that violent video games are making our KIDS violent.. Those same people are ignoring the fact that the parents let them play the damn games while on the side of the box it says.. 18+!

Hell is some cases I have seen the sales people at the Video Game stores Refuse sales to parents trying to buy the video games for children far younger than the box suggested. I think that might be the bigger problem with this case. It’s a Suggestion… not Required. Really I think this entire topic is silly to begin with because Video Games, and Violent Media don’t make people Violent. It’s a combination of many outside influences that do it.

Think for a moment about how our military works. To begin with you can’t just tell people to kill. It has to be taught and in some cases the lack of compassion is a mental state of mind that could be the result of a disorder or illness. I have myself have dealt with a enough people to know the mental state of a person varies depending on so many different factors.

It could be an entire conversation on it’s own trying to figure out why we do what we do for what reason we do it. Regarding the number of times I HAVE seen this conversation come up in the 36 years I have been alive .. I find it funny that shootings happen and most people run to the hobbies not the actual influences that are taking place in the persons life. How was the person treated? Who was involved in the life of said person? Friends? Family? PETS?… I would think that someone at some point must have sat down and talked to said person?

Maybe I am wrong and this is just a topic I know NOTHING about.. but.. just some thoughts…

Observation 185

So I am thinking about my past again. It’s always been funny to me how people who see me at work don’t notice it’s me after work. I mean I guess it’s a look thing in that I have my hair tied back, always wearing that stupid hat, and I come off as a bit … ummm… moody?brooding?….kinda…scary… I was once told a story about how I was walking “probably to the post office” and a little boy asked his mother if I was a vampire!! LMAO!! Nah.. I suppose that’s just how I have always held myself since I was … 15..

All that black clothing, long hair and just a face that screams I am thinking too much.. yea I get it I suppose.. Don’t go scaring children as my mother would say. Honestly if I think back on it I went from a skinny No thoughts on how to match clothing, short hair kid to what I am cause it just seemed easier.

Now you would think having my siblings would have influenced me in some way on how I held myself but in truth they had NOTHING to do with it. My brother did try to get me to stop wearing the “Booty Hugers”
as he called it… but I never got it because it was just comfortable. Yes I did eventually loosen up on that but mostly that was cause my legs got so hairy that it just became uncomfortable. Plus I was very very self conscious that wearing baggier clothing just seemed the best way to hide what I looked like. The black thing was just again an easier way for me to deal with colors that still to this day I SUCK AT MATCHING.. Plus I found that if I had to wear anything to scream my own personality it should be a shirt with something I could relate too.

If I think back on what I wanted to relate too it was always hinted in the things that I enjoyed. From Castlevania to Anime like Vampire Hunter D. The influences had always been around me but I never said anything about any of this stuff cause I didn’t want people around me thinking I was strange.. Which is funny NOW because I am strange and I LOVE IT! It was just one of those parts of my brain as a teenager and young man that just felt like for lack of a better way of saying it was kinda taboo and complicated to explain. I loved these things and yet didn’t want to share any of it with anyone close to me.

It’s funny because today I could careless what anyone thinks and while I am still just a little bit more closed off with some of this stuff I am also very much still into it all. Plus at face value explaining stuff like why I enjoy listening to the music I do or watching all the horror movies I do it comes from a prospective that is soooooooooooooo uncommon to the fandom of those with similar taste. Even talking to people who liked the stuff I did I think it always felt kinda awkward because MAYBE a handful of those people actually understood the why. It was very layered but I guess that’s why it’s personality… it’s personal.. hmmm…

Observation 184

For a long time I had 3 Hobbies I would focus on in my free time. The first being Video Games, which to this day I still dabble with. Not nearly as hardcore as I was in that field. The Second was Drawing with Pen and Paper. I haven’t done anything artistic short of some coloring on this digital world in a very very long time “Talking years”. The Third thing was Music.

For a long time I was very keen on Gothic/Experimental/Industrial/Metal/Alternative/Rock. With the Internet being what it became I drifted into some hip hop/rap/pop and a little bit Jazz/opera. Never really could find much Country music I enjoyed short of stuff from Willie and Cash. Yet even to this day as a 36 year old fan of music I still keep my mind open to it and while most of the NEWISH.. stuff I hear in all those genres probably sound like crap to me.. I do pick and find that music every now and again surprises me still.

Sometimes I do run across stuff that interest me “stuff like Faderhead, Anything Created by Mick Gordon, Zed, Studio Killers, LAST Wu Tang Album was awesome, New Slipknot Album seems like it’s going in a good Direction, catching up on some older stuff like Skold, De/vision… This list can go on and on for days “. I would spend hours upon hours listening to just random stuff. For awhile I thought I could make my own music and honestly I enjoyed doing it. It became an outlet.

As with things that come and go in life I find that in my lows Music always brings be back to my Highs. No matter how bad a day I have had I can sit down play some doom and listening to some My Dying Bride and life just sort of resets for me. Yea some of the music I listen to is SUPER Depressing in the points of view of a person who has never really dug into it. Yet for some reason it just clicks that button. Recently I have come to find that I want REALLY BADLY.. to Create again just to see what direction I can go in.

I don’t think I would make anything like I did before. It would probably be more Dark toned but not nearly as angry or as Fast. I am curious and I am sure I will get to it eventually. However getting back on topic I have some stuff in mind about how and why I do what I do. For the most part I know I live a life of a 12 year old boy.

My home is covered in toys and CD’s so that is naturally just what my interest as a grown adult NOW.. is… I often think about the type of Adult I have become. Yes I am responsible, Yes I am great at what I do, but with that all should I be more attracted to the growing Community around me? Should these adult standards of build the world you want to live in be at the front of my mind?

I was born and raised a majority of my life in Brooklyn, NY so I understand that keeping to myself and knowing what to fight for is something I spread myself out with. I know a lost cause when I see it. So falling back on my hobbies and minding my business is really just what I do. I have never been loud about religion or politics or even the hobbies I have. SURE I will walk outside probably dressed like a 8 year old boy with Batman on his shirt but honestly it’s who I am.

I would rather hold a conversation about why batman is batman than why I think Trump is an asshole. Hell I probably know better on why Trump is an asshole from a personal state of mind but it’s all based on the actions of said person. Any person can come into my life dressed as one thing and I wouldn’t have the state of mind to say.. JUDGE ON THAT THING.. No.. it all comes after you open your mouth. Say what you need to say but don’t expect me to not judge. I know I judge and I know it’s my option to be vocal or not.

If you take any of my hobbies and judge me by those that in itself makes for a character in YOU that I don’t see at all interesting or Magnetic.

Observation 183

My thoughts are a mess of things. Both reflecting on the past and trying to see a positive future. Tomorrow will be the last day of July and with it I continue to notice time has its perception speeding up. I no longer have days that drag but come far faster than I expected.

Not enough time to get everything done but just enough to write and complain about it. How funny this life has become. I don’t worry about much anymore. Fates going to have it’s way with me no matter what.

All I know is that I love what I do and no matter what anyone judges upon me nothing matters more than that. I will always use my best thoughts to take advantage of whatever opportunities come. At this point I know what’s important to me.

Observation 182

Had a very good weekend. Celebrated my Elder Nephews 16th Birthday at my parents house. It was nice and everyone got along well, my CJ enjoyed it as best as I think he could. Followed that night with spending a great deal of time with my sister, cousin, his wife, and my aunt. It all worked out really well and YESTERDAY.. I was super tired to the point that I slept a majority of the day.

Today I woke up at like.. between 4 or 5 a.m.. Trying to prepare my body for going back to work tonight. I managed to setup a interesting routine in which I go to work, Come home and play a few rounds of Mortal Kombat 11. I am finding it calms my mind down but I think I am going to start to add gym into this routine now.

I have been using this new app on my new Phone.. called
https://www.myfitnesspal.com/ and I was using it on my old phone but it works better now.. Since.. May.. and I have actually lost a ton of weight. I just wanted to get my diet corrected before I started to focus on the gym which I am going to start to do I think this week. God knows I have been paying for the gym membership for awhile and not going so…yea.. KINDA A WASTE…!!

So that’s my second goal for this year. The writing has slowly gotten better and I am trying to focus more on writing this book I keep saying I AM GOING TO DO.. Which I haven’t.. but we will see.. To many things are distracting me..Work has been picking up which is good..and bad.. Good in that we are making some serious changes in sales that are working well with what we have. Bad in that I have a great deal of pushing to do and perhaps the gym Idea is really going to help me Focus more.

MANNNNN…this was Random.. but yea.. Doing great so far.. happy with the first month of being 36.. Progress!

Observation 181

Fuck I thought I would be at 200 by now but I haven’t been able to focus the way I thought I would. To much happening all to fast but at least now I finally have a second to reflect.

The last couple of weekends I have been able to spend a great deal of time with family. My siblings went to the Coney Island Wu tang show and it was probably the best time I have had in a long long time. I have noticed I don’t show much emotion at those things. I kinda just take in the moments and really it reflects more as observer more than anything. I am not much a dancer and I am horrible at remembering lyrics until I hear the songs beats.

Regardless it was a great time and I think I needed it more than anything I can come to think of this entire year. The following weekend I went back to Coney again with my sister and my two nephews. It was also a great time and I managed to get a good sun burn on my face because of it. It’s already held so I guess it wasn’t so bad…hehe..

Work has doubled as it does every summer and people are out and about more. The heat has just barely started to rise and with it as it always does every summer people get crazy. I am trying very hard the last couple of nights to not scream at people. Right now I am thinking how the hell do I hold my patients with people? How do I not say “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?”… No some how I just do my job.. I smile and I come home and write in this place.

This has become my space for venting and just random thoughts. I can’t even say how many times I have attempted to write a book or books.. but never finish.. But I think I got a good idea this time for a book.. and I might actually do it this time. It keeps me at peace thinking that I might do it. Another year and this time I am 36 years old now. What comes next?

I know at this point all the rules and how the world works. I know what I can push myself to do. I just have to keep pushing and hoping that the best stuff is still to come. It’s not easy but we all continue to try.

Observation 180

If you had a chance to sit down and talk to the person whom stood in your skin about 20 years ago what would you say? Hell what would that situation be like at all? Would it be like looking in a mirror or would it be like looking at someone you have never meet?

In less than 24 hours I will be 36 years old. In less than a month I will have worked my current job for 10 straight years. It will have been exactly 6 months and 9 years that I have been with my Megan. I will have completed just short of 20 post till 200 on this site and my state of mind is and will continue to be at it’s best place in all that. I can say that I am in complete control of my destiny and the fates that be. I can say that everything that has come before me has been my doing and NO ONE else.

Life has it’s ups and it’s downs without a question. Since birth I have had to deal with struggling just to breath. I KNOW the importance of fighting to get what you want and fighting just struggle for comfort. I have tried very hard to get to the place I am at and the only question I have now is.. What to do next? I have options and places I want to go..with time I will get to that.

My work is far from done and while I remain in a place I am comfortable with I am also left with wonder like everyone else. What ..comes next? WHO’S NEXT?..WHAT’S NEXT?.. possibility is great and terrifying.. I look forward to that much.

Observation 179

Not often do I come home from work with an idea of what I am going to write about. This morning I felt the need to express some thoughts. In just under 10 days from now I will be 36 years old. Already I have plans to make to trips to Coney Island. The first trip will be with my older siblings. The Second also with my older siblings but likely with more Family than that. I am looking forward to both trips.

Hopefully the weather holds up and we don’t get to much rain. Honestly even if it does rain I will likely be making the trips anyway cause the trips have a meaning to me. Something deep and something I feel I need to do. I don’t often get these feelings about my family members in truth I think I take for granted most of the time how important they are. We have always been close even with distance being an element to our relationships. I have always felt connected to my family.

This includes cousins, parents, aunts, uncles, sister in-laws, and brother in-laws… so on. While my communication with some hasn’t been the best I still feel a measure of care involved in the element of blood and perhaps elements of care just being involved with my life. The involvement part has always been the tricky part to me. Finding time to do these things becomes thoughtless and more emotionally connected to my state of mind.

I feel like I have to do things but even with that I CHOOSE to keep this stuff as apart of my life as I NEED it to be. We all choose to be who we are and with that I put a great deal of thought into how the stars a line if that makes any sense. On some levels I find it to be even a spiritual calling of events that need to take place for me.

I have always had a good vision of the path ahead of me and what my actions will or will not involve with people in my life. I have always been logical with those feelings and with that also a sense of care not so much responsibility. I don’t feel responsible for anything or anyone other than myself. I care about the people in my life and I want them to be in the parts I have been lucky enough to be born into. I have a great family and I know how lucky I am to have them.

Observation 178

Recently I have noticed a true wave of either ignorance or a just lack of common sense from my local Community. I have to wonder if this is just me and my getting older/point of view or if it’s perhaps something in the water? Cause of the rise of temperature I have a feeling that the people will start to behave for lack of a better way of saying ” Goofy”.

Now don’t get me wrong “Goofy” in the context I use it is often a good thing. Yet we aren’t talking about that definition of the word. No we are talking people being overly sensitive about Nonsense, Often Aggressive, and sometime even Violent. From my observations of behavior and well common knowledge once the temperatures rise people start to think a different way.

Now my thoughts on how this works is kinda funny to me. People are dying to go outside during the winter months but because it’s too cold they often don’t. So once the chance comes you would think they would be happy with that burst of energy. However I have come to find that burst of energy often becomes destructive.

I personally think it might be because everyone thinks “OMG IT’S GOOD WEATHER I NEED TO ENJOY THIS RIGHT NOW AND NOTHING CAN GET IN MY WAY” …As if the focus of limited time comes to play. Patience is just a thing of the past I suppose. The thought process becomes GET TO POINT B from point B WITH NOTHING TO STOP ME NOW!

It’s strange like we aren’t going to see another good day for the rest of our lives? A Great and common example of this that I deal with daily is the shopping experience. People wait inline to buy whatever but if it’s not done quickly it becomes a reason for people to just lash out. Like someone is pulling em back perhaps?

It’s a strange state to be in but people have become very impractical about things that to me make ZERO SENSE. Why would you get mad that you have to wait to buy FREAKING ICE CREAM!!!? IT’S ICE CREAM…it’s going one of two places and fast.. Your face or a freezer!

It must be me but I have noticed this is a thing that just keeps coming up and it doesn’t have an age range either. I have seen young and old alike get like this and I don’t understand the reason.

observation 177

Today I received my new keyboard which my girlfriend bought me! In an effort to do more writing I am hoping this will promote more of these at a regular/semi regular basis. Recently I have been attempting to catch up on some cataloging of some of my possessions. Comic books, Mortal Kombat stuff, just things around that house I want to keep a record of just to help me sleep.

I tend to over think everything so being safe about pretty much everything I do kinda is my thing. Tomorrow I will be having my landlord come over for a home inspection. They check to make sure our fire equipment is up to date, make sure nothing is out of order and so on. Sign a new Lease for another year and do all that “Adulting” stuff that needs to be done.

Really the months are flying by pretty fast and as I have said in the past the older I get the faster it seems to go. I often have to think about what my life will be like in another 20 years if it will just go by like seconds. Perhaps having children will make it slow down but somehow I think I am kidding myself if that’s really the truth to it all. I think having to be so busy will just make it all go by far faster… but who knows.. we will see once I get to that point.

Right now the weather is cold but I think it’s about to get much warmer very soon. We had an interesting snow fall weekend and something in my bones tells me it was the last of it. I can’t believe it’s MARCH!!