Observation 223

Twenty years ago an eighteen year old kid from Brooklyn, NY would wake up with his mother and get ready for school like he did everyday. Wake up, brush teeth, and get dressed to return to the madness that was James Madison High school. I say madness because it was overpopulated, large and most of the time the 45 minute classes would take 30 minutes just to shut up so that the teachers could give us our work and let us continue on to the next class.

My mother whom also had to work at a nursing home was also getting ready to go. She would drive me down kings highway in a Lincoln that to today’s standards for cars would drive more like a tank than a car. We would stop just before we reached the school at McDonald’s. I would order my regular mcgriddle.. or was it a cherry cheese Danish from the bagel store around the corner? I don’t remember exactly but I know it was one of the two because it was always one of the two. My mom and I would have a conversation about this and that. She would turn the corner and drop me off so I could join the hurdes of teenagers with there hormel minds ready to start another day. We would all be slow in the morning and just getting thru the metal detectors was all everyone wanted to do. So fast to just find a seat in the auditorium and wait for the bell to ring to move to our first class. Mine would be my resource room which was kinda a gods send to me in the morning because whatever work I didn’t finish at home I tried to figure out during that 45 minutes.

At 8:46 AM the first plane would hit one of the towers. Now keep in mind this was before cell phones and social media. Yes we had AOL but things just weren’t that fast yet. While I worked do my papers one of the teachers would rush into the class room and turn on a small radio in the back of the class by the gateswindows. No one knew what the hell was happening all we were told was that a plane crashed into one of the towers and everyone was to stay in there classes. About 5 minutes after the teachers started listening to the radio the fire alarms would go off. Everyone in the building was to leave and wait outside as we always did for firedrills.

A few moments later teaches would be walking down each of the streets screaming “All students are to return home right now!” Of course being excited teenager my focus was on my friends. Students scrambled to find each other. I could have just walked home but the most logical thing I could think of to do was to go to my friend Lauren’s house because she lived closer to the school than me and I knew I could use her phone to call home. As I walked I looked over to the parked cars and noticed.. ash.. ash was raining down on everything like snow. Still having no clue what to do I got to the phone at Lauren’s and called my mother. She told me to go directly home which I did.

I walked down ocean parkway towards Avenue P and east 2nd. The roads held a silence. Nothing was moving at all. Brooklyn never did that! Yet what I came to find out was all the buses and trains stopped moving. If you didnt walk some place you weren’t going any place. The few cars I did see on the roads were cop cars, ambulances and fire trucks.

Over the course of the next few days the news at the time would search for answers. Lots of different ideas came to be told. My sister would be trapped on the island of Manhattan. Nothing was going in or out of the island.

Later on I would go to the rooftop of my best friend melvins home and there i would findCarlos. We looked at the city and noticed a giant gray cloud of smoke consumed the entire center of the city. We knew it was bad but seeing it like that with so many questions felt like we had been placed in a sci fi film. It was a strange time..

Honestly thinking back I find it hard to beileve that was 20 years ago. yet it was.. hmm

Observation 215

One of the biggest problems I have is overthinking everything. I have always been this way and really till I was about 29 it wasn’t a problem. Sure it would prevent me from doing a list of stupid things that teenagers/young adults do when I was younger yet I did manage to do enough stupid things that I can say those years of exploration were pretty successful in terms of growth. I questioned things and often I did so in a manor that allowed me to experience some great stuff and some not so great stuff.

Currently now in my late 30s I find that in the last 3 years I have found a new level to it and it’s causing some serious issues related to anxiety. A number of things I have learned to prevent it such as changing my diet, planning mental exercises and reviewing my actions in detail “yes often with pen and paper” has helped. From my understanding stress and aging will do that to a person. Now keep in mind I am also the most grounded person I know. I very very rarely drink, still haven’t done any drugs that weren’t given to me by a Doctor “at this point still basically nothing short of breathing meds when I was 9”. Much like a coin it goes both ways thou.

I don’t often read the news “thou because I work in public I have an ear for what is happening around me”. I do my best to keep myself from involving any of my personal issues with others. This year has made me very health paranoid. So every sneeze, cough or muscle pain I freak out over. I completely stopped drinking caffeine as I have learned it makes my mental state horrible. My diet has gotten better but I still fall flat on a number of things that I think I can do better but again.. because of stress I often let that go out the window. I believe I continue to try like everyone around me to fight the battle of life as best I CAN.

I do give myself credit for that much. I am always trying to do better and I have a complete and real awareness that I am not getting any younger. So far my work and FATE has been good to me. I have played the game well enough. Another year is coming and I don’t know what will happen as with every year before it. Just have to roll with the punches and keep the blocks up. Truth to it all is that I CAN look back on the last 37 and half years and say I did my best.. it was great.. and I want to see the next 37 years with just as much hope.

I know now as fact by my actions previously proving that I am smart, capable and undeniably stubborn about what I choose to do with myself. It hasn’t been easy and I never expected it to be. I have made it fun and I want to continue to make it as fun as it can be.

Let’s hope 2021 is better than 2020.

Observation 212

Took some time off to deflate from work. Sometime for myself to catch up on writing, reading, SLEEP, and just to spend time with the home “Girlfriend and pets”.. It’s never been easy to work at night but really just to avoid the public because it was starting to make me see red. It’s now Sunday morning and I don’t go back till Wednesday night but yea..

So far trying to catch up with my comic book reading which .. it’s been awhile and I have soooooooo much to get past. Harley Quinn and Batman I am catching up and OMG.. If anyone is under rated for writing… Comic book writers need to really really get more credit because the writing is soooooooo FU@#ING GOOD!Amazing!

Also watched Metallicas S&M 2 dvd which really what can I say about it that isn’t Obvious! It’s Metallica …amazing.. great set.. great music.. good times.. Also watched some films and started watching some new youtubers.. really taking time to just dig into stuff I like! I haven’t done it in awhile but it’s overall a good time.

CLEARLY writing hasn’t been easy for me recently cause my focus has sucked. Mostly just stress and dealing with people will scatter the mind which is exactly again.. the same reason I needed the time off. Not that sure what to write about right now but ..so far.. sooooooooooooo good… will post more probably later..

Observation 204

The mind is a funny thing to me. Personally I am always overthinking everything I do. So when it comes to something I DON’T want to do that I know I NEED to do my mind almost always takes a turn for the worst! I don’t really know what it is about thinking over the worst possibilities of things but I have as far as I can remember always been the one to do that.

It’s helped in some cases because 9 out of 10 times I prepare for the worst so in the case that the best thing happens I often am happily surprised. Recently “Today” I FINALLY gave my blood for the check up test that I really needed to get done.. “IT WAS OVER DUE BY 5 YEARS!!”….but what I FIND funny about myself is that in the weeks before the test I had this feeling in my stomach of total fear of concept. Not so much the blood test but the idea that I might pass out and how horrible I would feel after it all.

I pretty sure it was 99% fear of not wanting to feel great. Currently not even an hour after it’s done.. I feel AMAZING!! I mean yes I have to wait for the test results now but even for the sake of lets say something is wrong just the fact that I KNOW the why makes me overwhelmed with strength. I understand my body that much better now and my mind can be put at rest for all time on the concept of not knowing THE WHY!!?

For weeks the why was.. WHY THE HELL DID I ALMOST FAINT TWICE!!!? So as people do these days I googled the problem. Why do I faint while giving blood? The answers came as pure logic.

LACK OF SLEEP, LACK OF WATER, LACK OF FOOD!!

So I spent the last few weeks just keeping to a routine of drinking enough water, getting about as much sleep as I could and of course eating the right stuff for TODAY. Went with my mother “WHO IS THE BEST ON EARTH!” got it done in less than an hour and now here I am typing this nonsense out…

Of course I knew the feeling of completion would be the best “Which it is!”. It feels like I solved a really hard puzzle or finished something that took me weeks to figure out. No greater High!…to my knowledge.. but what I find the most interesting is that state of mind before all this. Why does my mind work the way it does? Why do I think the way I do? What the hell was it all about?

I think the biggest answer to all of it was the concept that I didn’t know. I feared because I wasn’t sure of the answer. In this life I am so sure of so many things but having something out of my control that I wasn’t sure of was really twisting my mind into a very strange place. It really makes me want to push myself to take risks. Not like..anything dangerous.. but to work into new ideas.. New Concepts.. perhaps see what the worst case senior could be…but without putting myself into danger.. Like how far can I push my body? Working out… how far can I run!!? How much weight can I actually lift “SAFELY”…. what are my limits?? How many Books can I read in the span of a year.. a month.. a week!!… So many things… so many things..

Observation 201

I have this strange thing I do and I only recently started to think about it but it involves moving stuff around my home. I don’t believe in Feng Shui or anything like that but it’s something I have been doing since forever ago. I might be from having siblings and sharing rooms with them. It might be just because I find it relaxing to organize stuff “I know I am weird”. Yet it is something that I often find myself doing.

Now I have lived on my own in 3 different homes “Not Counting the Girlfriends”. With each home I have had I set things up in such a way that it’s easy to plan stuff out. Living Room, Kitchen, Bathroom and Bed Room are really a basic thing people just naturally do. However the set up of those things are the beginning of the year is a funny thing I tend to change normally 2 or 3 times a year.

I am also a big collector of just random Nerdy things. Comic Books, Funko Pops, Action Figures, Anything related to Mortal Kombat, Movies and Music of course. So in adding things and subtracting things I tend to find organizing is kinda a benefit to my personality in that I know exactly where everything is or at least I have an idea.

I have known people who can walk into a place, Throw clothing on the floor and throw themselves also on a bed or love seat. That stuff will stay in the place it is at for days. Said people will never be bothered by it until they have to gather it all to have it be cleaned “Just as a personal note it’s no one I currently know”. I always found it interesting to see that because you could ask the same person how do you find anything and that person will know exactly the place the stuff was thrown.

Now I think it has something to do with how the brain organizes thoughts. I think if you mix those types of people “Yes they drive each other crazy”.. But you also come into the position that the chaos can create a very cool conversation for how it’s organized. Like think about how any person can start a conversation.

Me: Hello.. How are you?

Person 1: I am good just thinking about Food…

Me: What kinda food?

Person 1: Something with Toast.. Oh hey did you see the game last night?

END CONVERSATION

See how it could have stayed on topic but instead it goes from one topic to another thus keeping the conversation going about random things yet also opening doors to go in and out of.

I am finding that at the start of the year things have a habit of starting up and shutting down ideas and goals to come.

Observation 199

Every path goes someplace different in life. As an individual we choose too take steps in both the educated and predictable position or the more risky impulsive way. As someone who thinks far too much I can say I put that first one into play all too often.

We need to make discussions about what we are doing and how we can get to it. The biggest problem is we don’t often focus on the now. Are we yelling? Stressed over things we can’t currently change? What time is it? How do I physically feel? Is it causing a physical thought on what’s going to happen and what has happened?…

Muscles tense up and emotions can become overwhelmed with either positive or negative results. Finding a medium can be stress on it’s own but I have come to discover that by focusing on the now you internally can release a great deal of the negative. If by putting yourself into a position of focus in mind…

Close your eyes, hear the sound of your breathing, feel your heart beat and focus on the tips of your fingers. The mind will come to terms with the fact it isn’t hurt. Your thoughts are coming in at a speed that needs to slow down. Envision it like a page of paper. Each word has a speed. This is happening all right now. Take the time to perfect each letter..

Better..

Observation 192

Chill in the air and winter is here. I can not believe the year is almost over. This week I will start recording somethings special for observation 200!! Which is just around the corner. So I have 8 more to go before that and I hope to have all that done before the end of the year.

Things are moving faster and faster and i am doing my best to keep up with it all. I already am making plans for next year. This week is going to be a busy one but I hope with the right planning as I do it should all pan out. Work is busy also but with it also the slow down in who comes out after midnight is creeping. Living in a small town now has its ways of modifying business.

Mentally it’s better now but physically it can be difficult because of the lack of sun. Now that’s odd for someone like me to say.. considering most of my time I spend at night. Yet I still feel it and with that I start new routines. I bike inside as opposed to outside. Lift some weights and try to stay positive. It does take a toll mentally but if I keep with the physical stuff the mental stuff passes quick.

Hopefully this will all work the way I have planned.

Observation 188

I am happy with my life and all the little details that come with it. It’s turned out positive for the most part. I haven’t been self destructive, my mind is in a good place and I have taken full responsibility for my actions. Not so many people are capable of saying that.

The goals that I have are simple. Pay off my debt and continue to self improve both my mind and my body. Staying focused on what’s important to me has become an exercise in itself. I see two views on how I am supposed to hold myself.

The first is in the wide and far aspect. Am I paying my bills? Is the work I do useful? Am I pushing for a better tomorrow? On all respects of that I can say yes. Anything I have sighed my name on I take full responsibility for. My actions are always professional and my planning is executed to my best ability. Again I don’t know many whom can say that.

The second view is internal. Am I happy? Is what I am doing now finished? Should I push for more and what does that really mean? At this point I can say I am happy. I know what I have control over and I have never strayed from that path. I can dream big but the goal should be something planned and I should trust myself to excited at what resources I have… if that makes any sense.

Use what I have learned and take it step by step. That’s the best I have for now.

Observation 184

For a long time I had 3 Hobbies I would focus on in my free time. The first being Video Games, which to this day I still dabble with. Not nearly as hardcore as I was in that field. The Second was Drawing with Pen and Paper. I haven’t done anything artistic short of some coloring on this digital world in a very very long time “Talking years”. The Third thing was Music.

For a long time I was very keen on Gothic/Experimental/Industrial/Metal/Alternative/Rock. With the Internet being what it became I drifted into some hip hop/rap/pop and a little bit Jazz/opera. Never really could find much Country music I enjoyed short of stuff from Willie and Cash. Yet even to this day as a 36 year old fan of music I still keep my mind open to it and while most of the NEWISH.. stuff I hear in all those genres probably sound like crap to me.. I do pick and find that music every now and again surprises me still.

Sometimes I do run across stuff that interest me “stuff like Faderhead, Anything Created by Mick Gordon, Zed, Studio Killers, LAST Wu Tang Album was awesome, New Slipknot Album seems like it’s going in a good Direction, catching up on some older stuff like Skold, De/vision… This list can go on and on for days “. I would spend hours upon hours listening to just random stuff. For awhile I thought I could make my own music and honestly I enjoyed doing it. It became an outlet.

As with things that come and go in life I find that in my lows Music always brings be back to my Highs. No matter how bad a day I have had I can sit down play some doom and listening to some My Dying Bride and life just sort of resets for me. Yea some of the music I listen to is SUPER Depressing in the points of view of a person who has never really dug into it. Yet for some reason it just clicks that button. Recently I have come to find that I want REALLY BADLY.. to Create again just to see what direction I can go in.

I don’t think I would make anything like I did before. It would probably be more Dark toned but not nearly as angry or as Fast. I am curious and I am sure I will get to it eventually. However getting back on topic I have some stuff in mind about how and why I do what I do. For the most part I know I live a life of a 12 year old boy.

My home is covered in toys and CD’s so that is naturally just what my interest as a grown adult NOW.. is… I often think about the type of Adult I have become. Yes I am responsible, Yes I am great at what I do, but with that all should I be more attracted to the growing Community around me? Should these adult standards of build the world you want to live in be at the front of my mind?

I was born and raised a majority of my life in Brooklyn, NY so I understand that keeping to myself and knowing what to fight for is something I spread myself out with. I know a lost cause when I see it. So falling back on my hobbies and minding my business is really just what I do. I have never been loud about religion or politics or even the hobbies I have. SURE I will walk outside probably dressed like a 8 year old boy with Batman on his shirt but honestly it’s who I am.

I would rather hold a conversation about why batman is batman than why I think Trump is an asshole. Hell I probably know better on why Trump is an asshole from a personal state of mind but it’s all based on the actions of said person. Any person can come into my life dressed as one thing and I wouldn’t have the state of mind to say.. JUDGE ON THAT THING.. No.. it all comes after you open your mouth. Say what you need to say but don’t expect me to not judge. I know I judge and I know it’s my option to be vocal or not.

If you take any of my hobbies and judge me by those that in itself makes for a character in YOU that I don’t see at all interesting or Magnetic.

Observation 182

Had a very good weekend. Celebrated my Elder Nephews 16th Birthday at my parents house. It was nice and everyone got along well, my CJ enjoyed it as best as I think he could. Followed that night with spending a great deal of time with my sister, cousin, his wife, and my aunt. It all worked out really well and YESTERDAY.. I was super tired to the point that I slept a majority of the day.

Today I woke up at like.. between 4 or 5 a.m.. Trying to prepare my body for going back to work tonight. I managed to setup a interesting routine in which I go to work, Come home and play a few rounds of Mortal Kombat 11. I am finding it calms my mind down but I think I am going to start to add gym into this routine now.

I have been using this new app on my new Phone.. called
https://www.myfitnesspal.com/ and I was using it on my old phone but it works better now.. Since.. May.. and I have actually lost a ton of weight. I just wanted to get my diet corrected before I started to focus on the gym which I am going to start to do I think this week. God knows I have been paying for the gym membership for awhile and not going so…yea.. KINDA A WASTE…!!

So that’s my second goal for this year. The writing has slowly gotten better and I am trying to focus more on writing this book I keep saying I AM GOING TO DO.. Which I haven’t.. but we will see.. To many things are distracting me..Work has been picking up which is good..and bad.. Good in that we are making some serious changes in sales that are working well with what we have. Bad in that I have a great deal of pushing to do and perhaps the gym Idea is really going to help me Focus more.

MANNNNN…this was Random.. but yea.. Doing great so far.. happy with the first month of being 36.. Progress!