Observation 198

I do feel like I am getting too old for some stuff in my life. However I can admit I don’t really hold any of that stuff as particularly important either. So I collect comics, toys, and other things mostly because I enjoy having the stuff not so much to just show off. It’s true my apartment looks like a 9 year old with way money lives there but it’s all a big part of my personality also.

If a person is confident and understands what’s important I think it becomes part of the environment to spread that personality as away of expression. Like I could see someone who is a musician having lots of that spread around the home. Someone who paints will naturally want to have those expressions cover the walls. Same with collectors of pretty much anything.

You can say a great deal about homes and the people who live in them by seeing what comfortable methods they use. It’s interesting to think about at least in a outside looking in kinda way.

Observation 197

Most mornings I wake up and I feel the same. Focused on showering, starting a new day and getting to work. However last Monday I woke up angry,frustrated and probably the most pissed off I have ever been. Odd thing was I don’t know why…? The emotion wasn’t directed at anything it was just how I woke up. A feeling of uncontrollable rage just built up so bad that it actually caused the muscles in my neck to hurt.

True tension and I don’t know what caused it. It was the oddest thing because I had no reason to be angry I simply just felt it. One of the things I noticed I have become very good at doing is putting on the mask. The second I opened the door to my job I was fine. The emotion was gone and I was focused again. I think maybe it was something that was new to my being older now and just needed to happen. Perhaps even chemical.. Not really sure.. but regardless.. it was a thing.. hmmm

Observation 196

Having a great family is like walking down a road with both large and small hills. Sometimes it will be easy to move down and sometimes it will be difficult to move up. I can’t say I understand the motivation of everything we have done in our time but I can say that with all the experience I understand the difference between right and wrong. With that in mind I know I have made mistakes and I know I have progressed better than I ever thought I could.

I am smart, stubborn, and sometimes I overthink about everything. I wouldn’t change much about my past. I know now I could think of ways to improve some of my decisions made but part of what I believe in comes from the idea that fate has it’s ways of setting up who and how we are. The Present is current and you can’t change what has been done just live in the right now and plan for the best.

With all this reflecting I feel like I know myself about as well if not better now than I ever have. I am happier, more thoughtful, and if this website is proof of anything it’s that I am an Observer .. and almost at a 200!

Observation 195

So while I am here at the hard rock cafe on 42nd st. I look around at all the musical pieces left by musicians who made these items legendary and I question was it planned? Was it a day by day thing or was something more supernatural in works.

I know from experience most good and bad things happen out of anyone’s control. You can hope for greatness but how often does that actually happen? I also believe that talent can take a person very far with the right practice and dedication. I just want to understand the road and details in that.

Observation 194

I am split, part of me is excited for this journey I am taking today. Another part is telling me to leave it all alone. Why dig? I am hoping that by going back to the places I once called home I will discover something. Perhaps a passion I had, a goal or something.

Why am I doing what I am? I know I am smarter and better than this but for some reason I just have no focus. Like some people know they want to work for the military, or become carpenters. After almost 36 years I still have no idea.

So maybe something will click..

Observation 193

During this time of year my brain seems to spend much of the time overthinking. I think a great deal about the future and what I would like to accomplish. I think about what will change in the next year.

Right now I am thinking about how I should know what to do next. I know the adult stuff comes easy to me. Pay rent, Bill’s and keep my job. Stay healthy and all that basic stuff. Yet the path seems like it’s a myst to me.

Should I be doing more? Honestly I don’t know and I don’t think I will ever know. I kinda settled into this take it as it comes mentality. It’s worked because it has made it so I am never surprised but I never expect anything also.

I think I should have an idea by now.

Observation 192

Chill in the air and winter is here. I can not believe the year is almost over. This week I will start recording somethings special for observation 200!! Which is just around the corner. So I have 8 more to go before that and I hope to have all that done before the end of the year.

Things are moving faster and faster and i am doing my best to keep up with it all. I already am making plans for next year. This week is going to be a busy one but I hope with the right planning as I do it should all pan out. Work is busy also but with it also the slow down in who comes out after midnight is creeping. Living in a small town now has its ways of modifying business.

Mentally it’s better now but physically it can be difficult because of the lack of sun. Now that’s odd for someone like me to say.. considering most of my time I spend at night. Yet I still feel it and with that I start new routines. I bike inside as opposed to outside. Lift some weights and try to stay positive. It does take a toll mentally but if I keep with the physical stuff the mental stuff passes quick.

Hopefully this will all work the way I have planned.

observation 191

The seasons change and with it my mind gets older and older still. Recently I have been feeling this really uneasy tightness in my back that isn’t a physical thing. It’s hard to explain but the best I can do to describe it is by example.

You know that feeling before you go to the dentist or before you ride a roller coaster.You put your mind into this state of possibility of all the bad things that could happen. Ya.. that’s the feeling I have been having lately only for NO REASON AT ALL.. Doesn’t help either that for the last 2 weeks I have been having horrible Nightmares to follow it also. It’s probably all linked but who can really say. I don’t think it’s affected my work or anything like that but it’s an uneasy feeling and it’s keeping me on a tight edgy sorta perception of things around me.

Short of that everything is pretty much the same. Work is slowing down because the weather is changing. I personally love the cold because it allows me more time to get my work done, Catch up on reading, and plan for the coming year. I have already repeated that I won’t be buying any new video games in 2020 so as to catch up on the list of games I already OWN that I can finish. Already I have 40 + games lined up that I need to finish going as far back as ps3 and wii. It will be fun to do and hopefully I get it all done by the end of the year. Also I should note that just because I won’t be buying any new games next year does not mean I haven’t pre ordered stuff that won’t arrive till next year “Like Doom Eternal, Last of Us 2 and CyberPunk”… Short of that small list I don’t expect much to come of next year and I hope to dramatically lower my debt.

You wouldn’t think it but I am looking forward to 2020. Hell I am looking forward to November and December for that matter. The cold is creeping in and I LOVE IT!! The silence of the winter will be here soon and I love how this area just Stops. Something about it is just calming and soothing to my mind. I look forward to it!

Observation 190

I had a teacher “who’s name I can’t currently remember” whom had this idea that people learned in one of three different ways. Audio, Visual and very rarely both. She would ask series of questions and depending on which way the eye would look she could tell you which way would be best to help you learn. I have come to find over the years this to be true.

Some people can remember every single detail told to them after hearing a brand new story only once. Others can read a book once and remember every single detail written. Some people are good at doing both. Personally I know I am one of the people who can read something and remember it visually. Like you can actually take me a place One time and I will remember exactly how to get back depending on the changes of that place.

I never needed a map walking around Brooklyn, NY. I was always very good at going too and from places. To this day I think I could probably still find my way back to Staten Island from Brooklyn by bus..”depending if the same buses run the same lines.”. I could “and have” walked from my parents old house in Brooklyn all the way to my sisters house in Far Rockaway. I remember Visual details of places and markers some of which are probably long long gone.

I have never been good with music lyrics. I could hear a song a thousand times and still not remember the words TILL.. only a few seconds before the beat. So like I can sing along to songs but I have to hear the rhythm for me to pick up the point to say each word. Like I can’t sing a song without something triggering that memory to come up. I was never good at remembering things being told to me. Even to this day names are hard for me to remember unless I see them or if I am forced to repeat it over and over.

In 4th grade probably the scared est I have ever been of my father was the day he asked me to spell my name and I couldn’t. Like my entire name.. The reason for this was because I had never until that day seen it written down any place constantly . Schools only required me up until that point to spell my name Alex and being in the 4th grade no one had ever asked me to spell my last name or even my middle name. Hell they don’t even give you Identification cards till High School.

He was so angry at me that he actually did shout at me and forced me to spell my name 100 times on a sheet of paper. Good thing is it worked and I can now spell my entire name NO PROBLEM..Alexander Glen Gonzalez… hehe.. Fun fact to the story is that it might actually be wrong.. lol.. but that’s another story all together. .. in truth that is my OFFICIAL LEGAL NAME ..but my dad might have issues at some point in time in the future.

Currently I keep thinking about places that I have been. Places that I feel comfortable being. I have traveled to a few places and honestly I would say 75% of them I could probably go back to and notice many of the changes. I know I could still travel around Brooklyn, West Allis, GWL, Warwick, some of Monroe,Staten Island, Queens and probably still Ocala without thinking much about how to get back to old places I have lived.

I know one of the hardest subjects for me to learn was Math. This was mostly cause it didn’t have any real visuals to it short of the same symbols over and over again but in different combinations.

12 x 3 =… 36?…”checks math….correct”…but keep in mind I only got that correct because I deal with numbers FAR MORE TODAY.. than I ever did in the 5th grade. Visually I can see things which I think also made me a really decent artist in my younger days. Today I haven’t practiced nearly as much and what art I do now is mostly coloring so I am not as good as putting lines on paper as I once was.. but I am sure if I wanted to pick it up again it wouldn’t take me long to get good at it again.

It’s funny to me how things in our brains work. I find that as I get older things stick more. I miss things more because of what I guess I have adapted to be constant is what I adapt to be correct. Like walking down Kings Highway I probably could do today but i am sure it would be a different experience. Funny how we learn and how things change over time.

Observation 189

Let’s flip the coin for a moment from my last post 188. Yes my life is good but how about the why? I have come to understand that growing up a person needs to accept a particular level of bullshit. Understanding that part is what I feel leads to the path of finding happiness. So what does that mean exactly… in detail?

In my life I have come to terms with many of the underline things I do. I work a job that isn’t a career but somehow I have put enough effort into it that it’s become my career. I work at night which means I need to accept the following..

Most people who I deal with are Depressed, Alcoholics, Drug abusers, strange and Lost. I have learned the art of Presentation and Representation. What the hell does that mean? Presentation works in the element of the moment. You present yourself as the type of person who listens and agrees while not really saying a single word to anything the person is actually saying. Most people just want to talk and want to see that you are listening. Nod a bit.. say.. yea.. and let the person talk and talk..and talk.. and talk..

Most of the time people think they have some Knowledge that NO BODY has ever heard. Like the world REVOLVES AROUND THAT PERSON AND THAT MOMENT!.. People look down on you if you work a job that doesn’t make as much as them OR if you are younger. I have just come to terms with most of this stuff because I have had to deal with it so much.