Observation 189

Let’s flip the coin for a moment from my last post 188. Yes my life is good but how about the why? I have come to understand that growing up a person needs to accept a particular level of bullshit. Understanding that part is what I feel leads to the path of finding happiness. So what does that mean exactly… in detail?

In my life I have come to terms with many of the underline things I do. I work a job that isn’t a career but somehow I have put enough effort into it that it’s become my career. I work at night which means I need to accept the following..

Most people who I deal with are Depressed, Alcoholics, Drug abusers, strange and Lost. I have learned the art of Presentation and Representation. What the hell does that mean? Presentation works in the element of the moment. You present yourself as the type of person who listens and agrees while not really saying a single word to anything the person is actually saying. Most people just want to talk and want to see that you are listening. Nod a bit.. say.. yea.. and let the person talk and talk..and talk.. and talk..

Most of the time people think they have some Knowledge that NO BODY has ever heard. Like the world REVOLVES AROUND THAT PERSON AND THAT MOMENT!.. People look down on you if you work a job that doesn’t make as much as them OR if you are younger. I have just come to terms with most of this stuff because I have had to deal with it so much.

Observation 188

I am happy with my life and all the little details that come with it. It’s turned out positive for the most part. I haven’t been self destructive, my mind is in a good place and I have taken full responsibility for my actions. Not so many people are capable of saying that.

The goals that I have are simple. Pay off my debt and continue to self improve both my mind and my body. Staying focused on what’s important to me has become an exercise in itself. I see two views on how I am supposed to hold myself.

The first is in the wide and far aspect. Am I paying my bills? Is the work I do useful? Am I pushing for a better tomorrow? On all respects of that I can say yes. Anything I have sighed my name on I take full responsibility for. My actions are always professional and my planning is executed to my best ability. Again I don’t know many whom can say that.

The second view is internal. Am I happy? Is what I am doing now finished? Should I push for more and what does that really mean? At this point I can say I am happy. I know what I have control over and I have never strayed from that path. I can dream big but the goal should be something planned and I should trust myself to excited at what resources I have… if that makes any sense.

Use what I have learned and take it step by step. That’s the best I have for now.

Observation 187

I have often found myself looking at people like they are Aliens. I think I have just reached that point in my life that I just don’t understand the young and the old just seem clueless to me. I am stuck in this odd middle ground that I can see what is going on and… wait.. Maybe I am the Alien!!?

Let’s see.. I work at night. I sleep maybe a good 6 hours on and off every day. I often talk to myself and on top of that I both my diet “Which is getting better” and workout habits are at best a 65 on the grade point average. Only good thing I can think of right now is that my writing is getting better also I read more than most people. Sure it’s mostly Comic books but that is still more than 88% of the people I can think of.

I do from time to time read biography’s,blogs and the odd News Article but most of that stuff is either depressing or done out of curiosity. My hope for humanity is at best at 10% these days so I put myself into moods that I just make fun of everything. Yet not in a insulting/asshole kinda way.. more playful like someone who looks for rare Pokemon cards..

Observation 186

Normally the first thing I would be doing after work is playing some matches of Mortal Kombat 11. However today I am trying something different. While I write this I am streaming on TWITCH.TV for the First time. I was hoping that this would spark some sort of motivation for a topic but so far it’s just me being silly on cam… and writing this.. HAAAAAAAAA To No one but that’s ok.. cause it’s 5AM EST… who the hell is going to be up right now anyway!

The past week has been a kinda interesting one in that Walmart from what I have heard is cracking down on Violent Video Game Advertisements. Yet also doing nothing about the sales of actual Weapons. Kinda funny… You can use a gun in real life but don’t you dare think about shooting Super Mario!! I also find it kinda funny that while everyone wants to make the case that violent video games are making our KIDS violent.. Those same people are ignoring the fact that the parents let them play the damn games while on the side of the box it says.. 18+!

Hell is some cases I have seen the sales people at the Video Game stores Refuse sales to parents trying to buy the video games for children far younger than the box suggested. I think that might be the bigger problem with this case. It’s a Suggestion… not Required. Really I think this entire topic is silly to begin with because Video Games, and Violent Media don’t make people Violent. It’s a combination of many outside influences that do it.

Think for a moment about how our military works. To begin with you can’t just tell people to kill. It has to be taught and in some cases the lack of compassion is a mental state of mind that could be the result of a disorder or illness. I have myself have dealt with a enough people to know the mental state of a person varies depending on so many different factors.

It could be an entire conversation on it’s own trying to figure out why we do what we do for what reason we do it. Regarding the number of times I HAVE seen this conversation come up in the 36 years I have been alive .. I find it funny that shootings happen and most people run to the hobbies not the actual influences that are taking place in the persons life. How was the person treated? Who was involved in the life of said person? Friends? Family? PETS?… I would think that someone at some point must have sat down and talked to said person?

Maybe I am wrong and this is just a topic I know NOTHING about.. but.. just some thoughts…

Observation 185

So I am thinking about my past again. It’s always been funny to me how people who see me at work don’t notice it’s me after work. I mean I guess it’s a look thing in that I have my hair tied back, always wearing that stupid hat, and I come off as a bit … ummm… moody?brooding?….kinda…scary… I was once told a story about how I was walking “probably to the post office” and a little boy asked his mother if I was a vampire!! LMAO!! Nah.. I suppose that’s just how I have always held myself since I was … 15..

All that black clothing, long hair and just a face that screams I am thinking too much.. yea I get it I suppose.. Don’t go scaring children as my mother would say. Honestly if I think back on it I went from a skinny No thoughts on how to match clothing, short hair kid to what I am cause it just seemed easier.

Now you would think having my siblings would have influenced me in some way on how I held myself but in truth they had NOTHING to do with it. My brother did try to get me to stop wearing the “Booty Hugers”
as he called it… but I never got it because it was just comfortable. Yes I did eventually loosen up on that but mostly that was cause my legs got so hairy that it just became uncomfortable. Plus I was very very self conscious that wearing baggier clothing just seemed the best way to hide what I looked like. The black thing was just again an easier way for me to deal with colors that still to this day I SUCK AT MATCHING.. Plus I found that if I had to wear anything to scream my own personality it should be a shirt with something I could relate too.

If I think back on what I wanted to relate too it was always hinted in the things that I enjoyed. From Castlevania to Anime like Vampire Hunter D. The influences had always been around me but I never said anything about any of this stuff cause I didn’t want people around me thinking I was strange.. Which is funny NOW because I am strange and I LOVE IT! It was just one of those parts of my brain as a teenager and young man that just felt like for lack of a better way of saying it was kinda taboo and complicated to explain. I loved these things and yet didn’t want to share any of it with anyone close to me.

It’s funny because today I could careless what anyone thinks and while I am still just a little bit more closed off with some of this stuff I am also very much still into it all. Plus at face value explaining stuff like why I enjoy listening to the music I do or watching all the horror movies I do it comes from a prospective that is soooooooooooooo uncommon to the fandom of those with similar taste. Even talking to people who liked the stuff I did I think it always felt kinda awkward because MAYBE a handful of those people actually understood the why. It was very layered but I guess that’s why it’s personality… it’s personal.. hmmm…

Observation 184

For a long time I had 3 Hobbies I would focus on in my free time. The first being Video Games, which to this day I still dabble with. Not nearly as hardcore as I was in that field. The Second was Drawing with Pen and Paper. I haven’t done anything artistic short of some coloring on this digital world in a very very long time “Talking years”. The Third thing was Music.

For a long time I was very keen on Gothic/Experimental/Industrial/Metal/Alternative/Rock. With the Internet being what it became I drifted into some hip hop/rap/pop and a little bit Jazz/opera. Never really could find much Country music I enjoyed short of stuff from Willie and Cash. Yet even to this day as a 36 year old fan of music I still keep my mind open to it and while most of the NEWISH.. stuff I hear in all those genres probably sound like crap to me.. I do pick and find that music every now and again surprises me still.

Sometimes I do run across stuff that interest me “stuff like Faderhead, Anything Created by Mick Gordon, Zed, Studio Killers, LAST Wu Tang Album was awesome, New Slipknot Album seems like it’s going in a good Direction, catching up on some older stuff like Skold, De/vision… This list can go on and on for days “. I would spend hours upon hours listening to just random stuff. For awhile I thought I could make my own music and honestly I enjoyed doing it. It became an outlet.

As with things that come and go in life I find that in my lows Music always brings be back to my Highs. No matter how bad a day I have had I can sit down play some doom and listening to some My Dying Bride and life just sort of resets for me. Yea some of the music I listen to is SUPER Depressing in the points of view of a person who has never really dug into it. Yet for some reason it just clicks that button. Recently I have come to find that I want REALLY BADLY.. to Create again just to see what direction I can go in.

I don’t think I would make anything like I did before. It would probably be more Dark toned but not nearly as angry or as Fast. I am curious and I am sure I will get to it eventually. However getting back on topic I have some stuff in mind about how and why I do what I do. For the most part I know I live a life of a 12 year old boy.

My home is covered in toys and CD’s so that is naturally just what my interest as a grown adult NOW.. is… I often think about the type of Adult I have become. Yes I am responsible, Yes I am great at what I do, but with that all should I be more attracted to the growing Community around me? Should these adult standards of build the world you want to live in be at the front of my mind?

I was born and raised a majority of my life in Brooklyn, NY so I understand that keeping to myself and knowing what to fight for is something I spread myself out with. I know a lost cause when I see it. So falling back on my hobbies and minding my business is really just what I do. I have never been loud about religion or politics or even the hobbies I have. SURE I will walk outside probably dressed like a 8 year old boy with Batman on his shirt but honestly it’s who I am.

I would rather hold a conversation about why batman is batman than why I think Trump is an asshole. Hell I probably know better on why Trump is an asshole from a personal state of mind but it’s all based on the actions of said person. Any person can come into my life dressed as one thing and I wouldn’t have the state of mind to say.. JUDGE ON THAT THING.. No.. it all comes after you open your mouth. Say what you need to say but don’t expect me to not judge. I know I judge and I know it’s my option to be vocal or not.

If you take any of my hobbies and judge me by those that in itself makes for a character in YOU that I don’t see at all interesting or Magnetic.

Observation 183

My thoughts are a mess of things. Both reflecting on the past and trying to see a positive future. Tomorrow will be the last day of July and with it I continue to notice time has its perception speeding up. I no longer have days that drag but come far faster than I expected.

Not enough time to get everything done but just enough to write and complain about it. How funny this life has become. I don’t worry about much anymore. Fates going to have it’s way with me no matter what.

All I know is that I love what I do and no matter what anyone judges upon me nothing matters more than that. I will always use my best thoughts to take advantage of whatever opportunities come. At this point I know what’s important to me.

Observation 182

Had a very good weekend. Celebrated my Elder Nephews 16th Birthday at my parents house. It was nice and everyone got along well, my CJ enjoyed it as best as I think he could. Followed that night with spending a great deal of time with my sister, cousin, his wife, and my aunt. It all worked out really well and YESTERDAY.. I was super tired to the point that I slept a majority of the day.

Today I woke up at like.. between 4 or 5 a.m.. Trying to prepare my body for going back to work tonight. I managed to setup a interesting routine in which I go to work, Come home and play a few rounds of Mortal Kombat 11. I am finding it calms my mind down but I think I am going to start to add gym into this routine now.

I have been using this new app on my new Phone.. called
https://www.myfitnesspal.com/ and I was using it on my old phone but it works better now.. Since.. May.. and I have actually lost a ton of weight. I just wanted to get my diet corrected before I started to focus on the gym which I am going to start to do I think this week. God knows I have been paying for the gym membership for awhile and not going so…yea.. KINDA A WASTE…!!

So that’s my second goal for this year. The writing has slowly gotten better and I am trying to focus more on writing this book I keep saying I AM GOING TO DO.. Which I haven’t.. but we will see.. To many things are distracting me..Work has been picking up which is good..and bad.. Good in that we are making some serious changes in sales that are working well with what we have. Bad in that I have a great deal of pushing to do and perhaps the gym Idea is really going to help me Focus more.

MANNNNN…this was Random.. but yea.. Doing great so far.. happy with the first month of being 36.. Progress!

Observation 181

Fuck I thought I would be at 200 by now but I haven’t been able to focus the way I thought I would. To much happening all to fast but at least now I finally have a second to reflect.

The last couple of weekends I have been able to spend a great deal of time with family. My siblings went to the Coney Island Wu tang show and it was probably the best time I have had in a long long time. I have noticed I don’t show much emotion at those things. I kinda just take in the moments and really it reflects more as observer more than anything. I am not much a dancer and I am horrible at remembering lyrics until I hear the songs beats.

Regardless it was a great time and I think I needed it more than anything I can come to think of this entire year. The following weekend I went back to Coney again with my sister and my two nephews. It was also a great time and I managed to get a good sun burn on my face because of it. It’s already held so I guess it wasn’t so bad…hehe..

Work has doubled as it does every summer and people are out and about more. The heat has just barely started to rise and with it as it always does every summer people get crazy. I am trying very hard the last couple of nights to not scream at people. Right now I am thinking how the hell do I hold my patients with people? How do I not say “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!!?”… No some how I just do my job.. I smile and I come home and write in this place.

This has become my space for venting and just random thoughts. I can’t even say how many times I have attempted to write a book or books.. but never finish.. But I think I got a good idea this time for a book.. and I might actually do it this time. It keeps me at peace thinking that I might do it. Another year and this time I am 36 years old now. What comes next?

I know at this point all the rules and how the world works. I know what I can push myself to do. I just have to keep pushing and hoping that the best stuff is still to come. It’s not easy but we all continue to try.

Observation 180

If you had a chance to sit down and talk to the person whom stood in your skin about 20 years ago what would you say? Hell what would that situation be like at all? Would it be like looking in a mirror or would it be like looking at someone you have never meet?

In less than 24 hours I will be 36 years old. In less than a month I will have worked my current job for 10 straight years. It will have been exactly 6 months and 9 years that I have been with my Megan. I will have completed just short of 20 post till 200 on this site and my state of mind is and will continue to be at it’s best place in all that. I can say that I am in complete control of my destiny and the fates that be. I can say that everything that has come before me has been my doing and NO ONE else.

Life has it’s ups and it’s downs without a question. Since birth I have had to deal with struggling just to breath. I KNOW the importance of fighting to get what you want and fighting just struggle for comfort. I have tried very hard to get to the place I am at and the only question I have now is.. What to do next? I have options and places I want to go..with time I will get to that.

My work is far from done and while I remain in a place I am comfortable with I am also left with wonder like everyone else. What ..comes next? WHO’S NEXT?..WHAT’S NEXT?.. possibility is great and terrifying.. I look forward to that much.