Observation 198

I do feel like I am getting too old for some stuff in my life. However I can admit I don’t really hold any of that stuff as particularly important either. So I collect comics, toys, and other things mostly because I enjoy having the stuff not so much to just show off. It’s true my apartment looks like a 9 year old with way money lives there but it’s all a big part of my personality also.

If a person is confident and understands what’s important I think it becomes part of the environment to spread that personality as away of expression. Like I could see someone who is a musician having lots of that spread around the home. Someone who paints will naturally want to have those expressions cover the walls. Same with collectors of pretty much anything.

You can say a great deal about homes and the people who live in them by seeing what comfortable methods they use. It’s interesting to think about at least in a outside looking in kinda way.

Observation 197

Most mornings I wake up and I feel the same. Focused on showering, starting a new day and getting to work. However last Monday I woke up angry,frustrated and probably the most pissed off I have ever been. Odd thing was I don’t know why…? The emotion wasn’t directed at anything it was just how I woke up. A feeling of uncontrollable rage just built up so bad that it actually caused the muscles in my neck to hurt.

True tension and I don’t know what caused it. It was the oddest thing because I had no reason to be angry I simply just felt it. One of the things I noticed I have become very good at doing is putting on the mask. The second I opened the door to my job I was fine. The emotion was gone and I was focused again. I think maybe it was something that was new to my being older now and just needed to happen. Perhaps even chemical.. Not really sure.. but regardless.. it was a thing.. hmmm

Observation 196

Having a great family is like walking down a road with both large and small hills. Sometimes it will be easy to move down and sometimes it will be difficult to move up. I can’t say I understand the motivation of everything we have done in our time but I can say that with all the experience I understand the difference between right and wrong. With that in mind I know I have made mistakes and I know I have progressed better than I ever thought I could.

I am smart, stubborn, and sometimes I overthink about everything. I wouldn’t change much about my past. I know now I could think of ways to improve some of my decisions made but part of what I believe in comes from the idea that fate has it’s ways of setting up who and how we are. The Present is current and you can’t change what has been done just live in the right now and plan for the best.

With all this reflecting I feel like I know myself about as well if not better now than I ever have. I am happier, more thoughtful, and if this website is proof of anything it’s that I am an Observer .. and almost at a 200!

Observation 195

So while I am here at the hard rock cafe on 42nd st. I look around at all the musical pieces left by musicians who made these items legendary and I question was it planned? Was it a day by day thing or was something more supernatural in works.

I know from experience most good and bad things happen out of anyone’s control. You can hope for greatness but how often does that actually happen? I also believe that talent can take a person very far with the right practice and dedication. I just want to understand the road and details in that.

Observation 194

I am split, part of me is excited for this journey I am taking today. Another part is telling me to leave it all alone. Why dig? I am hoping that by going back to the places I once called home I will discover something. Perhaps a passion I had, a goal or something.

Why am I doing what I am? I know I am smarter and better than this but for some reason I just have no focus. Like some people know they want to work for the military, or become carpenters. After almost 36 years I still have no idea.

So maybe something will click..

Observation 193

During this time of year my brain seems to spend much of the time overthinking. I think a great deal about the future and what I would like to accomplish. I think about what will change in the next year.

Right now I am thinking about how I should know what to do next. I know the adult stuff comes easy to me. Pay rent, Bill’s and keep my job. Stay healthy and all that basic stuff. Yet the path seems like it’s a myst to me.

Should I be doing more? Honestly I don’t know and I don’t think I will ever know. I kinda settled into this take it as it comes mentality. It’s worked because it has made it so I am never surprised but I never expect anything also.

I think I should have an idea by now.

Observation 192

Chill in the air and winter is here. I can not believe the year is almost over. This week I will start recording somethings special for observation 200!! Which is just around the corner. So I have 8 more to go before that and I hope to have all that done before the end of the year.

Things are moving faster and faster and i am doing my best to keep up with it all. I already am making plans for next year. This week is going to be a busy one but I hope with the right planning as I do it should all pan out. Work is busy also but with it also the slow down in who comes out after midnight is creeping. Living in a small town now has its ways of modifying business.

Mentally it’s better now but physically it can be difficult because of the lack of sun. Now that’s odd for someone like me to say.. considering most of my time I spend at night. Yet I still feel it and with that I start new routines. I bike inside as opposed to outside. Lift some weights and try to stay positive. It does take a toll mentally but if I keep with the physical stuff the mental stuff passes quick.

Hopefully this will all work the way I have planned.