Observation 192

Chill in the air and winter is here. I can not believe the year is almost over. This week I will start recording somethings special for observation 200!! Which is just around the corner. So I have 8 more to go before that and I hope to have all that done before the end of the year.

Things are moving faster and faster and i am doing my best to keep up with it all. I already am making plans for next year. This week is going to be a busy one but I hope with the right planning as I do it should all pan out. Work is busy also but with it also the slow down in who comes out after midnight is creeping. Living in a small town now has its ways of modifying business.

Mentally it’s better now but physically it can be difficult because of the lack of sun. Now that’s odd for someone like me to say.. considering most of my time I spend at night. Yet I still feel it and with that I start new routines. I bike inside as opposed to outside. Lift some weights and try to stay positive. It does take a toll mentally but if I keep with the physical stuff the mental stuff passes quick.

Hopefully this will all work the way I have planned.

observation 191

The seasons change and with it my mind gets older and older still. Recently I have been feeling this really uneasy tightness in my back that isn’t a physical thing. It’s hard to explain but the best I can do to describe it is by example.

You know that feeling before you go to the dentist or before you ride a roller coaster.You put your mind into this state of possibility of all the bad things that could happen. Ya.. that’s the feeling I have been having lately only for NO REASON AT ALL.. Doesn’t help either that for the last 2 weeks I have been having horrible Nightmares to follow it also. It’s probably all linked but who can really say. I don’t think it’s affected my work or anything like that but it’s an uneasy feeling and it’s keeping me on a tight edgy sorta perception of things around me.

Short of that everything is pretty much the same. Work is slowing down because the weather is changing. I personally love the cold because it allows me more time to get my work done, Catch up on reading, and plan for the coming year. I have already repeated that I won’t be buying any new video games in 2020 so as to catch up on the list of games I already OWN that I can finish. Already I have 40 + games lined up that I need to finish going as far back as ps3 and wii. It will be fun to do and hopefully I get it all done by the end of the year. Also I should note that just because I won’t be buying any new games next year does not mean I haven’t pre ordered stuff that won’t arrive till next year “Like Doom Eternal, Last of Us 2 and CyberPunk”… Short of that small list I don’t expect much to come of next year and I hope to dramatically lower my debt.

You wouldn’t think it but I am looking forward to 2020. Hell I am looking forward to November and December for that matter. The cold is creeping in and I LOVE IT!! The silence of the winter will be here soon and I love how this area just Stops. Something about it is just calming and soothing to my mind. I look forward to it!

Observation 190

I had a teacher “who’s name I can’t currently remember” whom had this idea that people learned in one of three different ways. Audio, Visual and very rarely both. She would ask series of questions and depending on which way the eye would look she could tell you which way would be best to help you learn. I have come to find over the years this to be true.

Some people can remember every single detail told to them after hearing a brand new story only once. Others can read a book once and remember every single detail written. Some people are good at doing both. Personally I know I am one of the people who can read something and remember it visually. Like you can actually take me a place One time and I will remember exactly how to get back depending on the changes of that place.

I never needed a map walking around Brooklyn, NY. I was always very good at going too and from places. To this day I think I could probably still find my way back to Staten Island from Brooklyn by bus..”depending if the same buses run the same lines.”. I could “and have” walked from my parents old house in Brooklyn all the way to my sisters house in Far Rockaway. I remember Visual details of places and markers some of which are probably long long gone.

I have never been good with music lyrics. I could hear a song a thousand times and still not remember the words TILL.. only a few seconds before the beat. So like I can sing along to songs but I have to hear the rhythm for me to pick up the point to say each word. Like I can’t sing a song without something triggering that memory to come up. I was never good at remembering things being told to me. Even to this day names are hard for me to remember unless I see them or if I am forced to repeat it over and over.

In 4th grade probably the scared est I have ever been of my father was the day he asked me to spell my name and I couldn’t. Like my entire name.. The reason for this was because I had never until that day seen it written down any place constantly . Schools only required me up until that point to spell my name Alex and being in the 4th grade no one had ever asked me to spell my last name or even my middle name. Hell they don’t even give you Identification cards till High School.

He was so angry at me that he actually did shout at me and forced me to spell my name 100 times on a sheet of paper. Good thing is it worked and I can now spell my entire name NO PROBLEM..Alexander Glen Gonzalez… hehe.. Fun fact to the story is that it might actually be wrong.. lol.. but that’s another story all together. .. in truth that is my OFFICIAL LEGAL NAME ..but my dad might have issues at some point in time in the future.

Currently I keep thinking about places that I have been. Places that I feel comfortable being. I have traveled to a few places and honestly I would say 75% of them I could probably go back to and notice many of the changes. I know I could still travel around Brooklyn, West Allis, GWL, Warwick, some of Monroe,Staten Island, Queens and probably still Ocala without thinking much about how to get back to old places I have lived.

I know one of the hardest subjects for me to learn was Math. This was mostly cause it didn’t have any real visuals to it short of the same symbols over and over again but in different combinations.

12 x 3 =… 36?…”checks math….correct”…but keep in mind I only got that correct because I deal with numbers FAR MORE TODAY.. than I ever did in the 5th grade. Visually I can see things which I think also made me a really decent artist in my younger days. Today I haven’t practiced nearly as much and what art I do now is mostly coloring so I am not as good as putting lines on paper as I once was.. but I am sure if I wanted to pick it up again it wouldn’t take me long to get good at it again.

It’s funny to me how things in our brains work. I find that as I get older things stick more. I miss things more because of what I guess I have adapted to be constant is what I adapt to be correct. Like walking down Kings Highway I probably could do today but i am sure it would be a different experience. Funny how we learn and how things change over time.

Observation 189

Let’s flip the coin for a moment from my last post 188. Yes my life is good but how about the why? I have come to understand that growing up a person needs to accept a particular level of bullshit. Understanding that part is what I feel leads to the path of finding happiness. So what does that mean exactly… in detail?

In my life I have come to terms with many of the underline things I do. I work a job that isn’t a career but somehow I have put enough effort into it that it’s become my career. I work at night which means I need to accept the following..

Most people who I deal with are Depressed, Alcoholics, Drug abusers, strange and Lost. I have learned the art of Presentation and Representation. What the hell does that mean? Presentation works in the element of the moment. You present yourself as the type of person who listens and agrees while not really saying a single word to anything the person is actually saying. Most people just want to talk and want to see that you are listening. Nod a bit.. say.. yea.. and let the person talk and talk..and talk.. and talk..

Most of the time people think they have some Knowledge that NO BODY has ever heard. Like the world REVOLVES AROUND THAT PERSON AND THAT MOMENT!.. People look down on you if you work a job that doesn’t make as much as them OR if you are younger. I have just come to terms with most of this stuff because I have had to deal with it so much.

Observation 188

I am happy with my life and all the little details that come with it. It’s turned out positive for the most part. I haven’t been self destructive, my mind is in a good place and I have taken full responsibility for my actions. Not so many people are capable of saying that.

The goals that I have are simple. Pay off my debt and continue to self improve both my mind and my body. Staying focused on what’s important to me has become an exercise in itself. I see two views on how I am supposed to hold myself.

The first is in the wide and far aspect. Am I paying my bills? Is the work I do useful? Am I pushing for a better tomorrow? On all respects of that I can say yes. Anything I have sighed my name on I take full responsibility for. My actions are always professional and my planning is executed to my best ability. Again I don’t know many whom can say that.

The second view is internal. Am I happy? Is what I am doing now finished? Should I push for more and what does that really mean? At this point I can say I am happy. I know what I have control over and I have never strayed from that path. I can dream big but the goal should be something planned and I should trust myself to excited at what resources I have… if that makes any sense.

Use what I have learned and take it step by step. That’s the best I have for now.

Observation 187

I have often found myself looking at people like they are Aliens. I think I have just reached that point in my life that I just don’t understand the young and the old just seem clueless to me. I am stuck in this odd middle ground that I can see what is going on and… wait.. Maybe I am the Alien!!?

Let’s see.. I work at night. I sleep maybe a good 6 hours on and off every day. I often talk to myself and on top of that I both my diet “Which is getting better” and workout habits are at best a 65 on the grade point average. Only good thing I can think of right now is that my writing is getting better also I read more than most people. Sure it’s mostly Comic books but that is still more than 88% of the people I can think of.

I do from time to time read biography’s,blogs and the odd News Article but most of that stuff is either depressing or done out of curiosity. My hope for humanity is at best at 10% these days so I put myself into moods that I just make fun of everything. Yet not in a insulting/asshole kinda way.. more playful like someone who looks for rare Pokemon cards..

Observation 186

Normally the first thing I would be doing after work is playing some matches of Mortal Kombat 11. However today I am trying something different. While I write this I am streaming on TWITCH.TV for the First time. I was hoping that this would spark some sort of motivation for a topic but so far it’s just me being silly on cam… and writing this.. HAAAAAAAAA To No one but that’s ok.. cause it’s 5AM EST… who the hell is going to be up right now anyway!

The past week has been a kinda interesting one in that Walmart from what I have heard is cracking down on Violent Video Game Advertisements. Yet also doing nothing about the sales of actual Weapons. Kinda funny… You can use a gun in real life but don’t you dare think about shooting Super Mario!! I also find it kinda funny that while everyone wants to make the case that violent video games are making our KIDS violent.. Those same people are ignoring the fact that the parents let them play the damn games while on the side of the box it says.. 18+!

Hell is some cases I have seen the sales people at the Video Game stores Refuse sales to parents trying to buy the video games for children far younger than the box suggested. I think that might be the bigger problem with this case. It’s a Suggestion… not Required. Really I think this entire topic is silly to begin with because Video Games, and Violent Media don’t make people Violent. It’s a combination of many outside influences that do it.

Think for a moment about how our military works. To begin with you can’t just tell people to kill. It has to be taught and in some cases the lack of compassion is a mental state of mind that could be the result of a disorder or illness. I have myself have dealt with a enough people to know the mental state of a person varies depending on so many different factors.

It could be an entire conversation on it’s own trying to figure out why we do what we do for what reason we do it. Regarding the number of times I HAVE seen this conversation come up in the 36 years I have been alive .. I find it funny that shootings happen and most people run to the hobbies not the actual influences that are taking place in the persons life. How was the person treated? Who was involved in the life of said person? Friends? Family? PETS?… I would think that someone at some point must have sat down and talked to said person?

Maybe I am wrong and this is just a topic I know NOTHING about.. but.. just some thoughts…

Observation 185

So I am thinking about my past again. It’s always been funny to me how people who see me at work don’t notice it’s me after work. I mean I guess it’s a look thing in that I have my hair tied back, always wearing that stupid hat, and I come off as a bit … ummm… moody?brooding?….kinda…scary… I was once told a story about how I was walking “probably to the post office” and a little boy asked his mother if I was a vampire!! LMAO!! Nah.. I suppose that’s just how I have always held myself since I was … 15..

All that black clothing, long hair and just a face that screams I am thinking too much.. yea I get it I suppose.. Don’t go scaring children as my mother would say. Honestly if I think back on it I went from a skinny No thoughts on how to match clothing, short hair kid to what I am cause it just seemed easier.

Now you would think having my siblings would have influenced me in some way on how I held myself but in truth they had NOTHING to do with it. My brother did try to get me to stop wearing the “Booty Hugers”
as he called it… but I never got it because it was just comfortable. Yes I did eventually loosen up on that but mostly that was cause my legs got so hairy that it just became uncomfortable. Plus I was very very self conscious that wearing baggier clothing just seemed the best way to hide what I looked like. The black thing was just again an easier way for me to deal with colors that still to this day I SUCK AT MATCHING.. Plus I found that if I had to wear anything to scream my own personality it should be a shirt with something I could relate too.

If I think back on what I wanted to relate too it was always hinted in the things that I enjoyed. From Castlevania to Anime like Vampire Hunter D. The influences had always been around me but I never said anything about any of this stuff cause I didn’t want people around me thinking I was strange.. Which is funny NOW because I am strange and I LOVE IT! It was just one of those parts of my brain as a teenager and young man that just felt like for lack of a better way of saying it was kinda taboo and complicated to explain. I loved these things and yet didn’t want to share any of it with anyone close to me.

It’s funny because today I could careless what anyone thinks and while I am still just a little bit more closed off with some of this stuff I am also very much still into it all. Plus at face value explaining stuff like why I enjoy listening to the music I do or watching all the horror movies I do it comes from a prospective that is soooooooooooooo uncommon to the fandom of those with similar taste. Even talking to people who liked the stuff I did I think it always felt kinda awkward because MAYBE a handful of those people actually understood the why. It was very layered but I guess that’s why it’s personality… it’s personal.. hmmm…

Observation 184

For a long time I had 3 Hobbies I would focus on in my free time. The first being Video Games, which to this day I still dabble with. Not nearly as hardcore as I was in that field. The Second was Drawing with Pen and Paper. I haven’t done anything artistic short of some coloring on this digital world in a very very long time “Talking years”. The Third thing was Music.

For a long time I was very keen on Gothic/Experimental/Industrial/Metal/Alternative/Rock. With the Internet being what it became I drifted into some hip hop/rap/pop and a little bit Jazz/opera. Never really could find much Country music I enjoyed short of stuff from Willie and Cash. Yet even to this day as a 36 year old fan of music I still keep my mind open to it and while most of the NEWISH.. stuff I hear in all those genres probably sound like crap to me.. I do pick and find that music every now and again surprises me still.

Sometimes I do run across stuff that interest me “stuff like Faderhead, Anything Created by Mick Gordon, Zed, Studio Killers, LAST Wu Tang Album was awesome, New Slipknot Album seems like it’s going in a good Direction, catching up on some older stuff like Skold, De/vision… This list can go on and on for days “. I would spend hours upon hours listening to just random stuff. For awhile I thought I could make my own music and honestly I enjoyed doing it. It became an outlet.

As with things that come and go in life I find that in my lows Music always brings be back to my Highs. No matter how bad a day I have had I can sit down play some doom and listening to some My Dying Bride and life just sort of resets for me. Yea some of the music I listen to is SUPER Depressing in the points of view of a person who has never really dug into it. Yet for some reason it just clicks that button. Recently I have come to find that I want REALLY BADLY.. to Create again just to see what direction I can go in.

I don’t think I would make anything like I did before. It would probably be more Dark toned but not nearly as angry or as Fast. I am curious and I am sure I will get to it eventually. However getting back on topic I have some stuff in mind about how and why I do what I do. For the most part I know I live a life of a 12 year old boy.

My home is covered in toys and CD’s so that is naturally just what my interest as a grown adult NOW.. is… I often think about the type of Adult I have become. Yes I am responsible, Yes I am great at what I do, but with that all should I be more attracted to the growing Community around me? Should these adult standards of build the world you want to live in be at the front of my mind?

I was born and raised a majority of my life in Brooklyn, NY so I understand that keeping to myself and knowing what to fight for is something I spread myself out with. I know a lost cause when I see it. So falling back on my hobbies and minding my business is really just what I do. I have never been loud about religion or politics or even the hobbies I have. SURE I will walk outside probably dressed like a 8 year old boy with Batman on his shirt but honestly it’s who I am.

I would rather hold a conversation about why batman is batman than why I think Trump is an asshole. Hell I probably know better on why Trump is an asshole from a personal state of mind but it’s all based on the actions of said person. Any person can come into my life dressed as one thing and I wouldn’t have the state of mind to say.. JUDGE ON THAT THING.. No.. it all comes after you open your mouth. Say what you need to say but don’t expect me to not judge. I know I judge and I know it’s my option to be vocal or not.

If you take any of my hobbies and judge me by those that in itself makes for a character in YOU that I don’t see at all interesting or Magnetic.

Observation 183

My thoughts are a mess of things. Both reflecting on the past and trying to see a positive future. Tomorrow will be the last day of July and with it I continue to notice time has its perception speeding up. I no longer have days that drag but come far faster than I expected.

Not enough time to get everything done but just enough to write and complain about it. How funny this life has become. I don’t worry about much anymore. Fates going to have it’s way with me no matter what.

All I know is that I love what I do and no matter what anyone judges upon me nothing matters more than that. I will always use my best thoughts to take advantage of whatever opportunities come. At this point I know what’s important to me.